The Horse Diary

Hoofing it to Twitter

2009-05-10T19:11:00.001-07:00

I've discovered this new thing called Twitter! It works much quicker than a blog and I can use it when I travel to shows and new barns.

You can find me on twitter under TuffyHorse.

http://twitter.com/TuffyHorse

Winter Blues

2009-03-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

My human has been ill and I’ve been under the care of the barn manager and Lucky’s human. I have missed her greatly, but I have also been fussed over and received a lot of treats and carrots, so the hardship has been more emotional instead of physical.

The weather has been harsh, with a few warm days that make us wish for spring, and loose some much needed warm hair. The cat beast has been very grouchy and got into a lot of trouble for sharpening his claws on the winter blankets that hang in the aisles. The barn manager threatened to dee-claw him, whatever that means. Football has been patrolling the barn to make sure the cat beast doesn’t get into the tack room or trunks.
Lucky’s human promised that my human would be coming to see me tomorrow. I can’t wait. More later.

Ask Tuffy

2009-01-29T19:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Tuffy,

I have a big problem. My human is making me crazy. She used to be normal but now I can’t understand her. We’ve always had a good relationship, I thought, but for some reason she’s decided that in order to interact with me she has to wave this stick, with a flappy plastic thing on the end, at me. She does it in the round pen and my stall. Then she plays these creepy games with me and talks to me about getting in touch with “our spiritual” sides. The stick waving is getting on my nerves, and I and finding it very difficult to trust her when she’s waving the thing. It also throws off her body language and makes her look like she’s got ants in her pants.
How can I get her to drop the stick and go back to being the considerate human she was before?

Unnatural Humanship

Dear Unnatural,

I have seen several instances of this odd behavior and it always confuses me. I can read my human’s body language and don’t need a stick to tell me not to step on her. In fact the only stick I want to see my human carrying is a carrot stick.

You really do have few options beyond making her miserable or finding a new human. Luckily both of these can be achieved with the same actions. I suggest you ignore the stick and learn to jump out of the round pen. Yawning also produces a break in the stick waving, since it shows that you really don’t care what she does with it. If she ever sets the stick on the ground then quickly run over to it and step on it. Breaking the stick is demoralizing to humans in this phase.

If your human reverts back to her old behavior, even just for a moment you MUST reward her with good behavior and your absolute attention. The second she picks up the stick ignore her and if you have room turn your back. Trust me, this unnatural humanship behavior is very hard to break and can flare up at a later date. Be prepared for long term retraining and many setbacks. It might be better in the long run if you just find a new human and start from scratch.

Tuffy Horse

Cold Spell

2009-01-20T20:50:00.001-08:00

It has been frightfully cold here, to the point that all of us have been blanketed. Even Shorty, tough little range horse that he is, finally had to submit to having a puffy blue blanket put on. His shame was not as great as Trooper’s though. Trooper’s human, in the rather odd taste of human youths, brought him a bright purple blanket with his name written on it in pink. He’s very odd looking and Pebbles has teased him mercilessly.
Thankfully Lucky and I have humans with more subdued taste so we wear dark green and burgundy blankets.

The smaller cat-beasts, Trick and Treat, that are siblings to my human’s young cat-beast, Goblin, have grown quite a bit. They run and play in the aisles and will sometimes run through the rafters. They also like to nap in the hay mangers, but since they don’t leave any “surprises” the horses don’t mind. The old cat-beast, Lollipop, is as hateful as ever, but since he is also cold he has to come down to our level in order to stay warm. We can only hope he’ll get locked in a tack trunk and forgotten. Foot Ball came out to the barn today sporting a bright orange coat on his fat little body. My human remarked that it made him look like a real football, whatever that is.

This afternoon we were turned out for a short time and a huge wheeled cave drove up. I was surprised to see Lula and Voltare led out from barn four, blanketed and wearing funny leg coverings. They didn’t have time to chat, but Lula called out that they were going to the winter show circuit in the south. Trooper pinned his ears when he heard this. He’s done the southern circuits and his former human really gave him a hard time. I think he’s happier spending the winter in lay-off and only showing during the regular season. We called back, wishing the two Arabians a good trip. I know Lucky will miss Lula; he’s got a bad case of pony-love for her.

We were brought in early tonight and I was glad. It has been so bitingly cold, I simply don’t know how horses that aren’t stabled can stand it. Maybe I’ve gotten soft, but I want a nice barn at night! Hopefully the weather will clear. More Later.

A loaded question

2009-01-10T15:29:00.000-08:00

Today I witnessed how training your human poorly can really affect the enjoyment of your life. We went to a “Fur and Feathers” clinic (Not really sure where the feathers come in since there were no ducks or chickens present) to help our humans get over the mid-winter doldrums.

The clinic was fun. All the humans were dressed up in puffy bulky things and thick foot coverings. We taught them to visually measure their circles and how to judge distances from the rail. Trooper’s human was doing very well and he’s in a much better frame of mind now that he’s back on full feed. He was really grouchy for about a week while on short rations. My human and Lucky’s human also did very well. Even with regular training being curtailed by the weather they are still light and responsive.

Once the riding clinic was over we participated in a dismounted clinic where the instructor went over all our tack and told the humans how to improve it. I was very impressed because the instructor, who was owned by a very nice bay Morab, was not one of those humans that thinks a more severe bit will solve a problem that actually starts in the saddle. She was a very nice human and had praise for the horses and riders that participated. I do so appreciate this kind of instruction better than center ring shriekers.

After the clinic we were untacked and had our sheets put on, but instead of loading up right away we were walked a bit, so we wouldn’t chill in the wheeled cave on the way home. Before we were through we got to witness an outstanding example of how a poorly trained human can mess up a horse’s day.

One of the clinic participants was a big chestnut Quarter Horse, Marvel. He had a nice way of moving and his rider was adequate, if a bit timid. She was one of those “good boy” riders, where she patted him every few seconds to tell him he was good for not letting her fall off. I’ve never had one, but I know from talking with other horses that they can get really annoying, and are just begging to get taken advantage of.

While we were walking we noticed that Marvel’s human was trying to convince him to walk into the two-stall wheeled cave. He wasn’t having any of it because she was standing in the trailer, facing him, and trying to drag him forward. Horses know you do not step toward a person facing you, and certainly not into an enclosed space where you will very quickly lose sight of the human, since directly in front of you is the “blind” spot.

Marvel was trying to explain to her that he wasn’t afraid of the trailer, he was simply unwilling to risk stepping up and mashing her. He planted his front feet and stepped side to side with his rear, his body language telling her to get out of his way so he could enter. He was willing to move, just not forward since she was blocking him.

We halted near our wheeled cave and watched for a few moments. Since Marvel’s human was slow on the uptake, this back and forth begging scene went on for a good while. He got “good-boyed” and patted enough to make any self-respecting horse fall over in shame. He wasn’t being a good boy, and he knew it. He was trying not to be a bad boy and step up into her, but she wasn’t getting it.

Finally this big blustery male human stepped up and drawled that he’d load the “stubborn horse”. Trooper and I wondered what this was about, and Lucky gave a horrified shudder, he’d evidently been through this treatment before. The human said he’d get a “but rope”. This mystified me until I saw it in action. The human tied one end of the rope to the wheeled cave and then ran the other end around the horse’s rear end and back through the opening in the side of the wheeled cave. He then proceeded to pull on the rope. That’s when I figured out why it was called a “but rope”. It means, “If I had any sense I could load this horse BUT since I’m a moron I’m gonna try to use this rope instead”

After he’d had enough of having his rear end pinched Marvel sat back, pulled the “but rope” tight and smashed the blustery human’s head against the side of the trailer. This caused him to release the rope and stagger around grasping the sides of his head and saying really nasty things about Marvel, his ancestors and horses in general. Trooper and I were affronted, Lucky just hung his head in shame that some humans were allowed out in public. It was obvious that some horse, somewhere, had failed in his duty to teach this loud-mouthed oaf some manners.

My human and Lucky’s human both decided they’d seen enough and walked over to help. Trooper’s human was left to hold all three of us, but since we knew how to behave it wasn’t a big deal.

My human walked over and spoke to Marvel’s human. The poor thing was leaking from her face and seemed very distraught, much like Shorty is when he reaches the bottom of his food bucket. Lucky’s human got all the “but rope” untied and took it over to the blustery human, where he was getting his head treated with cold water. Pity they didn't just hold it down in the bucket until he stopped kicking.

My human walked around with Marvel, letting him get to know her. She really is a darling, and as much as I hate to share her, I know that the training I have put into her cannot be selfishly kept to myself. Once they were working together my human started telling Marvel’s human what she was going to do. They walked up to the wheeled cave and then my human stepped up and entered. Marvel hesitated, because when his human did this she would immediately turn around and try to drag him toward her. As if any self-respecting horse is going to walk into someone facing them! When my human didn’t turn around, she just remained facing the front of the wheeled cave and gently giving a few tugs on the lead, then Marvel put his forefoot in the trailer. Lucky’s human gave him a gentle pat on the rear, to show he really was a “good boy” and he loaded right up.

They remained inside a few moments and then Marvel backed out and my human walked with him some more. The second time my human entered the wheeled cave Marvel followed her right in. It was a nice example of horse and human working together, with the human respecting the horse’s needs. Then Marvel backed out again and my human handed the lead to his human. She was given some very good instructions on how to listen to her horse and then she walked around with Marvel and managed to load both of them in the wheeled cave without any more refusals or hesitations. She also learned not to immediately turn around and face the horse, since that just makes us want to move away from the human.

Once Marvel and his human were working together we got into our own wheeled cave and headed home. I wish there was an instruction book somewhere for horses, so they’d all know how to raise up a caring and civilized human. Maybe I’ll write one someday. More Later.

A bad start to the new year

2009-01-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

The new year started off on a sour note. Poor Trooper coliced! It is a horse’s worst nightmare. And it was his own fault for causing it. Trooper has this very bad habit of scratching his tail on his water bucket. He’s always done it, even though Shorty and I have repeatedly told him how gross it is to do so. It is obivious that no matter how illustrious your ancestors are it doesn’t always mean good manners.

Trooper’s human, a young female, had bought him several new things for this Christmas Day thingy humans do. One of the items was a new purple plastic water bucket. He also got new purple brushes, halter, leadrope etc. He was quite the grape-colored extravaganza when she was done.

Unfortunately, the other humans in the barn forgot to warn her that Trooper cannot be trusted with rigid plastic buckets. He has to have the heavy black flexible rubber ones or he destroys them.

Trooper had assaulted this rigid bucket several times, in the days after he got it, and must have created a crack, because it developed a small leak. Which no one seemed to notice because of the cold weather.

On the night before the new year started we were fed and watered at our usual time, but the humans were all acting silly about some “partee” thing that happens every year at this time, so no one noticed Trooper’s leaking bucket.

Shortly after being fed, when the barn was dark and quiet, Trooper assaulted his new bucket one last time and broke it into two pieces. All his water fell out.
He spent a dry night, and I must admit to having no sympathy for him.
The following morning we were fed again, and because someone had allowed the hose to freeze up we weren’t watered again until well after we ate. Most of us still had water from the previous night, but Trooper was without it for over twelve hours.

By the evening he had an awful impaction colic going, scaring his young human to death and worrying the rest of us.

The sticker man came out and stuck a tube in each end, hopefully not the same tube, and then Trooper got walked for half an hour. He was also loaded into a trailer, something that always annoys Trooper, and had to remain inside until he pooped.

He was walked some more after he was unloaded and after pooping again was finally allowed back in his stall, complete with new rubber water buckets.

My human, and Lucky’s human, stayed to help, and even Goblin and Football walked along with them. The cat-beast just sat up in the rafters and made nasty comments. If Trooper had felt better he might had spoken back, but he was quite miserable.By the time the humans finally left he was feeling a lot better. Shorty and I both remonstrated him about breaking his buckets and he assured us that he was going to try to break his nasty habit. I hope so, because the sight of him with tubes stuck in him has given me nightpeoples. More later…

Whoa, whoa, whoa, tis the season

2008-12-22T18:41:00.000-08:00

Oh my! It seems as if another one of those odd human rituals is upon us. Several of the stalls sport wreaths and shiny grass looking stuff. Shorty has red bows in his forelock, put in by his human’s herdmate, a fact that embarrasses him immensely. My own human has added decorations to my stall, all of them seemingly inedible, which in my view is a waste of time. The horses from barn four have returned to their regular stalls. Lucky is heartbroken that he can no longer stare at Lula all day, but none of us miss Voltare. We do get to see them during rides and out in the paddocks, so Lucky is not completely without solace.

Earlier this week my human appeared in a strange garment that left her legs bare, I felt quite sorry for her since she had nothing to keep her legs warm and her footwear was like the gaited horse's we saw at the show, rather tall and clunky. She smelled really nice, but not herself. Her hair was also all puffed up and bushy, something I had never seen before. I must say that even for a human she has nice fetlocks, perhaps why her herd mate followed her so closely and kept hurrying her to leave for a "partee" whatever that is. She left me several carrots in my feed tub as a treat so I didn't miss her too much.

But today I was truly appalled, yet again. My human has decided to dress me up in antlers so she can point her black box thing at me. I'm so embarrassed. Has a horse ever suffered so much at the hands of a human? I think not. Shorty has acquired a set of bells for his breast collar; you can hear him jingle as he is ridden, something that I will never let him live down. Pebbles has several decorations hung outside her stall and the music has been switched from soothing classical to stuff about some fat human named Sandy Claws who has tremendously bad taste in clothes, consorts with deer and a group of small rowdy toy makers. Whatever will the humans think of next? Football came by sporting a red bow around his neck that was almost bigger than he was. He also has a bright green sweater with some kind of fat man made out of white circles on it. What makes humans want to dress animals up in hideous clothing? Does it make them feel better about their own strange garments? I must ponder this, because my human has said she has another surprise for me later. I shudder to think about it. More later.

The Color of Munny

2008-11-30T16:35:00.000-08:00

I have been remiss in posting, due to some unforeseen circumstances, and now must play catch up. It is cold and rainy today, so I had plenty of time to review my Diary and repost the most interesting entries here.

My last post had our barn being visited by the cirkus. I also fell and hurt my hip, not badly, but enough to garner a lot of sympathy and carrots, and a stick in the butt. The day after the cirkus got here, and I was still on stall rest, Trooper witnessed the funniest thing. He was turned out in the lower paddock, above the lower arena.

Voltare was working with his human in the lower arena. I have said before how striking Voltare is. He is really a beautiful horse, and the sad part is that he knows it. He’s also a complete prig and one of the snobbiest horses I’ve ever met. His half sister Lula is the complete opposite. She likes everyone, regardless of his or her station in life. So anyhow, Voltare is working his human and into the arena comes the cirkus horses with their human. I must have looked befuddled because Trooper elaborated. There were three horses, and they shared one human. Why would three horses share a human? Can’t they afford to each have their own?

The three horses, one letting the human ride it, and the others ponying off of each side, started walking and then jogging around the ring. Voltare ignored them and continued to work his human, evidently not satisfied with how his human was sitting his jog. Trooper was bored with grazing and rolling so he watched the horses working.

Voltare and his human were working big circles at one end and the other three horses were at the other end working their human. Trooper was growing bored again, when something strange happened. The human from the cirkus suddenly stood up on the back of the middle horse and started riding him while standing up. Trooper about fell over from shock. He’d never seen someone riding while standing up. I haven’t either, and had I been more awake I might have questioned the truthfulness of Trooper’s story, but those jabs by the sticker man were still making me drowsy.

Trooper remained at the fence, his eyes glued to the human standing up on the horses. After a few rounds riding on just the middle horse the human stretched out his legs and had one foot on the two outer horses. He then loosened his reins and the middle horse surged ahead and was out in front. The two middle horses moved closer. Whoever heard of such a thing? Why would a human ride with their feet? Why would anyone need three horses to do the job of one?
Trooper said it was fascinating to watch and even more so when the horses picked up speed and were cantering around the ring. I was impressed. Most humans can barely stay on at a canter while balancing on their butts! I don’t think I know of any that would be able to ride with their feet. After several loops around the ring the human guided the three horses over toward the rail and even had them take some jumps. IMAGINE? Jumping on your feet? Trooper said the jumps were in the short pony range, but it’s still impressive.

By now Voltare and his human had stopped working and were watching the trio of horses. Trooper said Voltare looked disdainful, but his human was interested. When the cirkus group finally ended their work out and was cooling down the human was again on the middle horse. Voltare and his human rode along side the trio and Trooper said he could tell the two humans were talking. Voltare ignored the other horses, even though they offered a friendly greetings. He’s such a prat sometimes.

After a few trips around the arena Voltare’s human guided him into the middle of the ring and they started doing some western maneuvers. Trooper said Voltare was really showy; sidepassing, pivoting and doing some one beat lead changes. It really horks Trooper to admit a western horse can do dressage exercises, but even he has to agree that Voltare is a great show horse.

Once Voltare stopped his demonstration something strange happened. His human dismounted and the cirkus human got off of the middle horse. They exchanged reins and the cirkus human mounted Voltare! Trooper said Voltare looked like the sticker man had jabbed him in the butt! Troops is so funny when he tells a story, because he mimics facial expressions. The cirkus human guided Voltare to the middle of the ring and Trooper said even though Voltare was furious (his ears were pinned) he was still professional and performed flawlessly. Trooper was really miffed that he was too far away to hear what the humans were saying, but he could tell it was aggravating Voltare tremendously. Just when Trooper was bursting with curiosity his human appeared and haltered him. He hated to go back to the barn and miss the excitement. But instead of heading toward the barn she led him down to the lower arena and stood outside the fence.

Trooper’s human is young, about the same as a four-year-old filly, but she’s also quite pretty by human standards, and most male humans notice her quickly. Even those with herdmates get a little snorty. When she approached the fence Voltare’s human greeted her and told her what had been going on. The cirkus human finally finished with Voltare and rode over to the group and dismounted. He patted Voltare’s neck, which got him a nasty look and more ear pinning from Voltare. Then he and Voltare’s human started discussing the horses. Trooper was all ears!

First the cirkus human was saying how nice and pretty Voltare was, which had him looking smug, but then the smugness got wiped off his face when the cirkus human offered to buy Voltare. Trooper said Voltare just about sat back on the reins he jerked his head up so fast. Voltare’s human brayed a bit, but shook his head like he had a fly in his ear. Trooper said his human was open mouthed. Then the cirkus human offered a larger amount of munny ( something that I don’t understand, but humans set great store by) Trooper said Voltare’s human quit braying and got really quiet. Evidently large amounts of this “munny” stuff makes humans mute.

Trooper and his human waited in silence, but finally Voltare’s human shook his head again and said he couldn’t part with his horse. Trooper said Voltare looked like he was going to collapse in relief, but also looked angry, because he knew his human had considered the offer. Trooper said the walk back to the barn was subdued, even his human was quiet. (Rare, to be sure). When they reached the barn Voltare was tied in front of the tack room to be untacked, but Trooper was tied in the aisle so he could be brushed. He whispered to Lula, Shorty and Lucky what had happened (I was dozing in the back of my stall) and he said they were all shocked, but then Lula started whickering and pawing. Trooper said she teased Voltare unmercifully for the rest of the evening. He got madder and madder and finally kicked his buckets off the wall! Imagine him having to face the shame of being a traveling cirkus horse! To have to perform with camellamas and trick dogs! Oh, the humiliation for a horse of his talents and pedigree. I’m so glad it happened to him! Now he can’t snort down his nose at the rest of us! It almost makes being scared by the huge cat-beasts and the Effelumps worthwhile just to have Voltare reduced a few hoof lengths in stature! More later.

Dear Tuffy

2008-10-22T21:17:00.001-07:00

Catching up on my mail, I am such a slacker horse sometimes!

Dear Tuffy,
I am a young stallion (going on 5 next spring), my human has been with me since birth. My human has always "tried" to teach me good from naughty but I find it is fun being naughty.
My human trusts me very much so I take advantage of it. When we ride in the round ring I will do almost everything my human asks but have to mix it up some to go back to easy stuff.
It is most funny when my human takes me out of the round ring to ride. I see my girls and act naughty. Well my human gets upset with me and back into the round ring we go.
It truly is a fun mind game I like to play with my human. When at shows, I have to nicker to myself because allot of the humans come to my human in disbelief that I am a stallion and would you believe they all have to look under to make sure ha ha. My human tells me "why can't you act so good most of the time". Well I fear for my stallion hood. I think my human is thinking of taking it away from me. I want to fix it but it has become such a part of my life I am not sure how to correct it. I WANT MY STALLION HOOD!
My human has also sent me to a few different trainers. That is pretty funny too. I do so good then get to come home to the same old games.
Any advise would be great.

Wanting to remain intact.

Dear Wanting

My suggestion is that you straighten up immediately or the sticker man will appear and you are one jab in the neck away from losing your matching foal makers. You'll just have to trust me on this one, I've been there.
I'd recommend that your human get a nerf bat and establish very clearly what constitutes her space and what is your space. While I appreciate the superiority of the horse over the human, I have to acknowledge that their ability to work the clicky ear things and summon the sticker man far exceeds our abilities to get away. Yield now, or you'll be yielding up something else later.

Tuffy

Dear Tuffy,

I finally quit my harness racing job last summer and got myself a hobby-type job. I'd had this hobby for about three years and decided at twelve, it was time to make it more than a hobby. I am now a full-time riding horse. I teach riding lessons, and sometimes get to do fun things like horse shows and trail rides with small children! I currently share my human with four other horses. It's not that bad considering I have never had a human I could call mine. I used to be way too busy with work at the track to have my own human. They require so much attention! This human caught my eye eight years ago when she actually followed my demands for treats and neck scratches, but didn't become mine until a year ago. I'm telling you all this because I really haven't had my own human before, and I need some advice. My human likes to kiss all of the horses noses, which we usually just tolerate, it's her way of showing affection. For the past two weeks, when my human kisses my nose I try hard not to cringe. My human has had horrible breath! None of the other horses know what to do. How do I let her know without making her angry with me?

~Prime

Dear Prime,
Congratulations on getting your very own human!
I suggest you eat some manure, as the rest of us on occasion do, and remind her why human lips need to stay away from horse lips. Kissing as a method of equine affection is limiting. So unless she wants to scratch your withers with her teeth she needs to keep her mouth away from you.
Or, a good dose of horse snot, right as she is puckering up, is guaranteed to keep her face away from your face, it's even better if she's wearing a white shirt.

Tuffy

Oh what a cirkus!

2008-10-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we moved back to our regular barn once the aisle was set. It still smelled burnt and tarry, but it was nice to be home. I had thought we would leave Lula and Voltare behind, but now the Barn 4 horses have moved up to our barn while their aisle is being re-floored. I’m back in my regular stall between Trooper and Shorty, with Lucky on Shorty’s other side.
Pebbles is back across the aisle from Shorty, Lula is next to her and Voltare is on her other side, which puts him across from me. Lucky is in horse heaven being able to stare at Lula all day. He is still to shy to speak to her, the dolt. She flirts mercilessly with him, knowing he will be too shy to answer.

We had not been back in our barn for more than a few hours when we heard a terrible clanging and banging. Trooper and I tried to see out the back stall windows, but couldn’t really see out to the road. We could see the strange red flashes that meant the scary screaming wheeled caves were out on the road. I hoped it wasn’t an accident with one of our humans!

It turns out that it wasn’t one of humans. Instead it was a huge wheeled cave that coughed up its innards and refused to move. It snorted smoke and made a nasty oily smell that drifted into the barn. The red lights flashed for some time and by the time they stopped it was feeding time and we turned our attention to more important things! After eating I returned to the window a few times and could still see some lights and hear voices coming from the road, as well as other strange noises that I could not place. I eventually grew bored of watching and allowed myself to go to sleep. Must have that beauty rest!

This morning I was up early to greet my human. She is still limping from her injured leg, but getting around well enough. She said she would be allowed to ride in a few days. I hope so! If she misses much more training she will not do well in the fall shows. After eating my morning meal she haltered me and led me out for grooming. She is so considerate! Even though I am not training her today she still takes the time to brush me, as a good human should! When I was out in the aisle I caught several new scents, strong, even over the smell of the tar. I couldn’t identify most of them, except to say they smelled like live scents, not plants or metal.

My human led me outside and at first I thought we were going to my regular paddock. Imagine my surprised when I saw the huge injured wheeled cave parked alongside the paddock. And in the paddock the most horrific things!

The first thing I saw was several of the camellama things tied to the fence, eating hay that looked suspiciously like mine. One pinned its ears and spit at me. Nasty creature! Down the fence from these hairy beasts was another camellama thing that was taller and had a huge hump on its back. How odd! And these things really smelled. Not clean and grass sweet like horse, but almost pond scummy like cows. The barn manager walked up and started talking to my human, mentioning that the wheeled cave belonged to the cirkus and they needed a place to park until they could fix the injured wheeled cave.

FootBall came up and offered to touch noses so I did to be friendly. While my human chatted with the barn manager I asked him about the humped creatures. He said they were camels and lived in a place that had nothing but sand. I must have looked skeptical, because he insisted that it was true, he’d seen it on the black box. I shuddered! If FootBall was brave enough to watch the black box then I wasn’t going to question his honesty.
I asked him what the hump was for and he said: “ It’s where they store their humans.”
I looked at him in horror and he yapped to show he was joking. Little bugger!

Once my human quit conversing with the barn manager we walked along the verge on the opposite side from the injured wheeled cave. I could still smell the camellamas, but I could also smell other scents, I couldn’t identify. Little did I know what was lurking farther down the road.

As we walked along the lane the smells got stronger and stronger. When we passed the division between the north and south paddocks I got the shock of my life. Behind the row of huge trees that line the paddocks were these huge grey things! I mean really huge! Even bigger than the draft horses that live down the road. They appeared almost hairless and had huge flapping ears. But that wasn’t the worst! Hanging from their faces was this huge grey snake! It was so frightening! And the snakes moved and slithered and even picked up hay and stuffed it into the mouths of the big grey things! The snakes were feeding the grey things! Why? Was it to fatten them up further before they then turned on them and ate them?

When confronted with these things I did what any sensible horse would do; I whinnied in terror and bolted for home. I jerked the lead from my human’s hand and with nary a thought towards her safety, and the fact the grey snakes could easily eat her too, I left. I’m ashamed to admit it, but felt justified at the time. I galloped down the lane between the paddocks and in my blind terror I turned up the alleyway that divides the paddocks. I had no idea what further horrors I would encounter!

I reached the end of the alleyway and then turned back up the next lane that leads to Barn One. Right as I reached the end of the lane I realized there was another large wheeled cave parked beside the entrance of the parking area. This cave had canvas sides rolled up and then bars! Behind the bars were the biggest cat beasts I had ever seen! They were the size of the grey pony! And even worse they were painted with wide dark stripes, which made them look even more menacing! I froze in fear and watched as one of the huge cat beasts gnawed on a piece of raw meat. Somehow, subconsciously, I counted my stable mates and determined Voltare was still in the barn when I left, so no such luck there! One of the beasts finally noticed me and roared at me, its mouth open wide enough to eat an entire saddle! I spun in a matter that would have made Shorty proud and tore back down the lane, forgetting that the safety of my stable was only a few hoofbeats beyond the beasts’ cave.

As I galloped back down the lane I looked ahead and to my dismay I saw one of the huge grey things being led by its snake, walking beside a human. The snake was wrapped around the human’s arm. I whinnied shrilly and decided that death by huge cat beast or death by huge grey snake were not something I wanted, so I did the only thing I could do, I turned and hopped over the paddock fence. I doubt even Pebbles could have made the jump. The fence is at least a 13 hand pony tall and I took it in just one stride from the center of the lane. Once in the paddock I galloped toward the other fence that fronted the barn entrance. I could hear humans yelling behind me, and from the lanes, but I never stopped. I jumped the next fence and galloped into the barn.

Sadly I had forgotten the new floor, and even sadder the barn boys were hosing it down. I slid on the floor, rolled over like a fat puppy and end up slammed against the far wall. I heard the bang when I hit, and then several other bangs, which led me to believe that other horses in the barns crashed into the backs of their stalls when the noise spooked them. I didn’t hit my head on anything, and actually suffered no scrapes, but I knew I was going to have a huge sore spot on my right haunch before I even got up.

My human limped up, calling to me and then telling me to calm down. Humans are so funny, they are in hysterics, but they tell the horse to be calm. I got up, a bit wobbly I admit, and felt muscles twinge that I didn’t even know I had. The barn manager came up and quickly checked me all over. I had no breaks or cuts, just tender spots where my side had met the ground. I was led slowly to my stall, my human petting me and talking to me softly.

I was aware of the other horses staring at me as I passed and felt embarrassed until Trooper whickered, “ Great jumping, Tuff.” I felt a swelling of pride, which was unfortunately matched by a swelling of hip. My human put me in my stall and then flipped open her clicky ear thing and started speaking into it. I have no idea what these things are; although you can sometimes hear voices coming from them that sound almost human, but metallic. I heard her mention the sticker man’s name and knew I was in for a butt jabbing! Ugh.

My human continued to stay with me, speaking to the other humans through the stall door. All was well and sympathetic until Lucky’s human arrived. When she heard about my narrow escape from the giant cat-beasts and the grey snake thing (called Effelumps by the humans) she started braying and that set my human to braying. I knew they were finding fun at my misadventures so I poked my head into a corner for a good sulk. This didn’t serve any purpose except to give the sticker man easy access to my rear when he arrived and he rudely jabbed me twice before vacating the stall. At that point I lost interest in anything but dozing and missed any other occurrences until I woke up this evening.

Trooper whickered to me this evening that he had a story to related about Voltare and the cirkus and I promised to hear it in the morning. Right now I am tired and sore and ready to sleep. More later.

Ask Tuffy

2008-10-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

I have a problem and I desperately need your help! My human is cheating on me! I have caught her coming back from the other barn and she had long flaxen hairs on her coverings. I am devastated! Have I not trained and shown her to perfection? Have I not lavished affection and a large amount of slobber on her over the years. Sure I'm not young filly any more, but I'm still able to pop a fence and do lead changes! What can I do? I have so much invested in her!

Not the Other Horse in Texas

Dear Not,

Dump her. Literally, on her head. Then get yourself a nice twelve year old girl that will love you unconditionally and make you the center of her world. Once a human cheats it is hard to trust them again. I have loaned my own human to other horses when their human is sick, or too busy to ride, but she always makes it clear that she belongs to me and she will never leave me for another horse. If your human wasn't feeling guilty then she wouldn't be trying to hide the fact that she's seeing another horse. Don't delay, and don't let her get the upper hoof. Take control and pick your next human quickly.

Tuffy

Another Fall Show

2008-09-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

Went to an open show today and saw some interesting things. My human and Lula and Voltare’s human have struck up a friendship and decided to go together to a show this weekend. Lucky’s human was invited too. We loaded up in the big four horse wheeled cave and headed over to the show grounds. We had been bathed and blanketed the night before and Voltare was simply an unbearable snob. I wanted to put my hoof in his head! Lula torments him mercilessly and it just drives him into a rage. Hard to believe they are half siblings. Lucky stays completely out of their arguments. He loves Lula but is too shy to even speak to her and Voltare scares him to death. Just to be ornery I always take Lula’s side, which makes Voltare even madder.

We arrived at the show and Lula’s human and his herdmate tacked up Lula and Voltare while my human and Lucky’s human tacked us up. Lucky and I were just going to school our humans at this show, so there were no major nerves. When we came from around our side of the trailer Lula and Voltare were tacked up and their human’s dressed for their events.

Lula was lovely. She does the saddled seat and her human looked very dapper in her three-piece outfit and funny little head covering. Lula’s flaxen mane and tail were all shiny and creamy. Lucky stood there, drooling and unable to move, looking at her like a besotted fool.

When I looked at Voltare I almost gasped. He was stunning. He was tacked up western, with a saddle that was loaded with shiny plates. His bridle and reins were covered in more shiny beads. His bright red mane and tail were no longer braided and wrapped, and instead hung down shimmering and wavy. If he were a mare I would have fallen in love! Even our humans whistled admiringly.

We set off for the show ring, stopping to talk with other horses and humans we knew. Lula was in the first classes, so we watched her show. Voltare took his human over to the warm up ring, so we didn’t have to endure his snide comments. When Lula came trotting in the ring, knees lifting high, white stockings flashing, I thought Lucky was going to fall over from yearning. Lula’s human is a very trim female and she is a brilliant rider. She offers support instead of dominance. Her hands were light on the required double reins and her seat was so secure she didn’t hinder Lula’s rapid trot in the slightest. It was a joy to watch them both. They won several classes and then did a combination class where the horses were ridden and then stripped off. I have to say that even after a few hours of riding Lula was just as brilliant.

After the saddled seat classes were over Lucky and I walked over to the warm up ring. There was a break in the show while the smoke monsters dragged the arena. We walked and trotted a bit, warming up our humans for our afternoon classes. We passed Voltare several times, but he was concentrating on his human and paid us no mind. I may be a tease, but even I know better than to distract a horse that is in training mode.

When the next classes were called it was for Voltare’s western classes. We wandered over to watch and met Lula and her human at the rail. Lula had been untacked and hosed off and she was so fresh and pretty looking! The first class came in and Voltare immediately stood out. Not only was he one of the few Arabians, but he was also one of the few horses with his head up high enough to see where he was going. Lucky and I glanced at each other in confusion, and he shrugged as if to say he had no idea what was going on. Voltare moved along at a sweeping jog, his head vertical and his human with a bare amount of contact. Most of the other western horses had their heads near their knees and had to look up through their eyelids in order to see where they were going. It was most disconcerting to watch.

When a canter was called for (by the funny western term “ lope” ) Voltare stepped right into a floaty rear-driven canter. Most of the rest of the class staggered around doing four beats and never really getting into a true canter. Some of the horses were even cantering with their hind ends two tracking inside of their fronts. It was hideous. And their poor mouths! Every other stride seemed to bring about a hard tug from their humans. Lucky and I glanced at each other in horror! If my human tugged on me like that she would find herself with a more than passing acquaintance with the ground!

While watching we paid some attention to what our humans were saying and came to understand that in some cases the judges did not like how Voltare moves and would placed the head dragging, canted horses over him. I was appalled. First for the poor horses and then for the fact that judges would reward such hideous movement.

Thankfully, it seemed that this was not one of those judges and Voltare won the class. Second place was a lovely Morgan fellow that was ridden by a young female human. We didn’t get to watch too many of the western classes, thank goodness, or I might have found myself with a sympathy colic going on, because we had to finally get ready for our hunt seat classes.

Lucky has come a long way since he arrived here last fall. He is now fat and shiny and has a quiet confidence that bespeaks his easy nature. His human has really bonded with him and has forsworn ever parting from him. He now looks like a very collected, showy hunter with a solid background. We watched him when his division came up and his human did him proud. He got his first blue ribbon! He was so proud and his human was crying up a storm. When the announcer relayed how he was a rescue horse he got a big round of applause!

After a few of Lucky’s classes, and right before my division started, tragedy struck. We were outside of the entrance gate when a big thoroughbred mare was having trouble with her human. The human kept sawing on the reins and the mare reared up, obviously trying to rid herself of the lout. The human responded by whipping her several times across the haunches and in defense the mare kicked out.

It happened so quickly that those of us near the gate could not get out of the way. My human had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of the kick. It was hard too; I felt it through her leg and the saddle. I jumped to the side and the mare swung the other way and lashed out again. By now I was just concerned with getting my human away because I could tell she was injured. Lucky’s human came running up and grabbed my reins, although why she thought I was panicking is beyond me.

Lula’s human came up leading Lucky and Lula and cleared the way around us. My human said she’d rather ride back to the trailer and Lucky’s human kept exclaiming over the hoofprint on her boot.

When we arrived at the trailer Voltare’s human helped mine down. She hobbled over and sat on the side of the wheeled cave. Lula and Lucky were quickly tied up, but I refused to leave my human’s side. Voltare’s human very carefully pulled her boot off and whistled when he saw the purple blotch on her leg. Lucky’s human finally gave in to the fact that I was not going to leave and untacked me where I stood. While we were waiting for Lula’s human to come back with some cold stuff the show manager came up and asked my human what happened. She got an earful. I almost turned roan when I heard the mare’s human described! His poor mother, whatever did she do to deserve such commentary?

Once the show manager got the report on the incident she left, saying some more roan inducing words and giving me the impression the mare’s rider was in serious trouble. Lula’s human returned with a bad of cold stuff and placed it on my human’s blotch. She moaned and I almost fainted in fear that she was dying! She must have realized how stricken I was because she reached over and patted my nose, telling me she was going to be fine. I finally let Lula lead me away to the other side of the trailer.

We returned home a somber group. By the time we arrived at the barn my human could barely hop out of the rattletrap. Lula’s human helped put Lucky and I away, while Voltare’s human unloaded the trailer. Lucky and my human left in one of the rattletraps, I hope to take my human to her stable for the night. I’m sure I’ll find out tomorrow. More later.

Dealing with relatives

2008-09-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

We are still in barn four while our barn is being re-floored. The barn manager decided once the aisles were level again that they needed to be covered in that black smelly tar stuff. I hope the smell goes away soo,n because the entire area reeks of it. It is so bad that even the cat beast has shown up in our barn, yowling in disgust and spitting at everyone that even looks at him. Nasty thing.

I had two strange revelations this weekend.
I am firmly convinced that humans that can be handled by horses are born and not made. They either have the capacity to interpret signals and understand body language or they don’t. If they don’t then they never acquire it later. For example: My human has a female sibling. This human is nice enough, a little flighty and very vocal. She “loves” me. It’s a good thing horses can’t barf or there’d be chewed hay all over my journal right now.

Anyhow, the human sibling came out to the barn with my human to visit. She does this a few times a season. Not only did she kiss my nose, but she also kissed Lucky, Trooper and Shorty. Trooper rolled his eyes like the snob he is, but since his human lavishes such affection on him all the time I know he was just putting on a show. Lucky looked bewildered at being grabbed and kissed by a strange human, but being a gentlehorse, like myself, he didn’t blow his nose in her face.

Of course I HAD to be brought out into the aisle and gushed over. My human and her sibling brushed me and chatted. It was hard to endure. Unlike the times when my human talks with Shorty’s or Trooper’s owners, where the main gist of the conversation is about us, or other horses, these two talked about NOTHING but other humans. Humans they knew, humans they didn’t know. Humans that star in MOO-VIES, whatever those are. Humans they liked, humans they hated. I’m surprised their tongues didn’t turn blue from over use. It made my ears hurt from the swiveling as they moved around me.

Once I was brushed my human saddled me and led e to the outer paddock. I knew what was coming. I was in for the horrendous chore of giving a ride to someone that has no knowledge of what riding is about. It’s bad enough when the herdmate rides me once in awhile, but the sibling is even worse. My human rode me first and the sibling shouted out non-stop comments about how pretty I was, how cute my human was, how wonderful the weather was. Ugh, I wanted to jump the fence and run away.

My human finally halted me next to her sibling and dismounted. Then she gave her sibling a leg up. Why is it that people that don’t ride always collapse onto the saddle like it is some kind of tree trunk to lean across? This means more weight on me, as well as pushing the saddle over towards the right side. The sibling finally pulled herself upright and poked her feet into the stirrups. Then she grabbed the reins like she was holding a live rat in each hand and was afraid to bring her hands closes to her body. She then clucked to me. I could not restrain the eye roll that had me viewing my own brain.

Off we went, my human walking not too far from my side, and shooting me warning looks that made it very clear to me that if I dumped her sibling I was going to be carrotless for the rest of my life. I sighed and ambled around like an old plow horse and we had no major incidences. Thankfully the sibling does not lug on the reins, instead she grips them tightly, but leaves about a foreleg’s worth of slack in them. I amused myself by imagining what my stable mates would do to her in a similar situation. Shorty and Lucky would probably tolerate her. Trooper and Pebbles would remove her from the human breeding pool.

Things were fairly boring until the sibling went to dismount. Instead of kicking her leg over the saddle and then kicking her other foot out of the stirrup and sliding down, as is proper, she kicked her leg over and stepped down. As her foot hit the ground I heard a loud ripping noise and then she shrieked. I did step to the side quickly and heard another rip, as well as feeling her tug on the stirrup. My human caught my reins and then hurried to help her sibling get her foot loose.

When the sibling was upright, and no longer attached to me, she looked back over her shoulder and wailed like the cat beast. She turned around to show my human her backside and my human almost fell over laughing. The entire rear of her butt covering was ripped open, showing a strange undergarment that was yellow and black tabby spotted and had strange writing on it. What does SEXY mean? We returned to the barn, the sibling trying to walk with her back to me, which was interesting to watch, but kind of creepy. She stopped at my human’s wheeled cave and got out an outer garment and tied it around her waist, letting the ends hang down over her rear. Odd look, but it did cover up the big rip. My human kept breaking into brays and had to stop and wipe her eyes a few times. Her sibling was not amused.

I was quickly untacked, brushed and put away. My human and her sibling kept talking about a dinner with their sire and dam, as well as some other siblings. I wondered if the rest of my human’s siblings were as backwards as this one, and then hoped I would never find out.

Once in my stall I was confronted by my OTHER relative problem. During my talks with Lula, the Arab mare, we discovered that we shared some of the same Arabian ancestors. She was delighted. I was too, until I realized that this made me related to Voltare. Her dam and my dam shared the same grandmother, a Polish mare (I had no idea I had Polish ancestors, I always just thought they were just Arabian) that was imported to this country from somewhere called EWEROPE. (I pray the cat beast does not find my journal, he will torture me mercilessly about my bad spelling if he sees it.) Lula was very interested in my Appaloosa ancestors, and even knew a great deal about them, from her talks with other horses. She stated that we were CUZZINS, which means we are related, but not as close as siblings. Voltare whickered at me nastily and stated that I was no relative of his; I was obviously adopted from a plow horse family. The snotty bugger needs his tail snapped off. My ancestors are just as good as his!
I resisted the urge to be snide back to him, after all, one of us had to show some breeding.

Lula told me to ignore him and that he had a bad case of “high head’ which I took to mean he’s very snobby. He is, and one day I’ll catch him in the turn out pen and show him what a horse descended from the horses that flourished in Old West can do to a delicate creature such as himself. Lula is much more friendly and behaves like most Arabs I know. Voltare must have suffered a few too many kicks to the head as a foal. More later.

Moving day

2008-09-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

This week has been filled with turmoil. The barn manager decided to re-floor the barn I stay in and all of us were moved over to barn four. My human came out on moving day and helped the barn manager and Lucky’s human move us over to the other barn. I was not happy. I have been in the same stall since I moved here two years ago.

Not only were we moved, but also our trunks and tack, as well as the kittens in their box. My human had brought her kitten out to visit his sister and brother. My human has named him Goblin, following the strange human begging tradition that Trick and Treat were named after. He has grown quite a bit and is now leggy and very fuzzy. All the kittens were placed in their half-a-trunk and they tumbled around like little beetles, mewing and being cute.

My human led me over to barn four and deposited me in a stall next to a tall chestnut Arab. I was distressed that I would not be between Shorty and Trooper. Instead I ended up next to Lucky and Trooper and Pebbles were on the other side of him, with Shorty across the aisles next to Kressa.

After we were settled in I tried to make conversation with the Arab next to me. I was “informed” that his name was Voltare and that he was “pure Polish”, whatever that meant. I was then regaled with his credentials and exploits and given the impression that he thought rather well of himself.

When he finished speaking the mare across the aisle gave a huge horselaugh. She informed me that her name was Lula and that Voltare was nothing but a snob and a pretender. He whickered at her evilly and kicked his back wall, but she just sneered at him. I decided that perhaps I could spend a few days separated from my previous stall mates, just to hear some juicy barn gossip.

Lula made some more cutting remarks and Voltare went into a rage and started banging his feeder. He then declared both of us cart horses and went into the far corner of his stall to sulk. Lula whickered again and leaned her head over her stall door to tell me more “dirt”.

By now Lucky was leaning over his door, intrigued with the gossip. I must say that Lula is quite a delightful looking mare. She is also Arabian and a bright golden red with a flaxen mane and tail. She was tall for an Arabian mare and very typey. Lucky couldn’t take his eyes off of her!

Lula informed us she was also Polish, but only half, and the other half was just plain old regular Arab. I told her about my Arabian ancestors and we had quite a nice discussion on family lines. Lucky remained enraptured and drooling, staring at Lula’s golden locks. Lula flirted with him a bit, but he was too bashful to even talk back to her. Lula then informed us that Voltare was her half brother; they have the same dam, but different sires. They co-owned the same human and had to share him. Lula snorted at this and stated that she knew she was the favorite. Voltare kicked his walls again and muttered something nasty about “sire was a plowhorse”. Lula snorted and called him a prig.

My human and Lucky’s human returned with more trunks and tack. I could see that it was going to be cluttered while we were staying there. From listening in on their conversation we found out barns one and two were being re-floored and the horses were all being moved into barns three and four. Some of the horses were going to be put in the pastures with sheds during the time the barns were closed and others were going to stay in temporary stalls in the indoor arena. I didn’t realize it was such a big job to re-surface the barn floor, but I guess the barn manager was going to make sure it was done properly.

Foot Ball came in with the last load of stuff and yipped hello to all of us. He sniffed around, slobbered on the kittens and then followed the humans back outside. This made me wonder what the cat-beast AKA Lollipop, was going to do while all the construction is going on. I hope he gets hit with a shovel! I must find a safe hiding place for my journal in this new stall. I must run for now, I can hear the feed carts rolling up. More later.

Fun show day!

2008-09-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

We went to a local show yesterday and it was really fun. I love it when my human is able to enjoy a show without the stuffy confines of formal dressage. We decided to show hunt seat and do a few fun classes.

Since this was an open show there were all kinds of breeds there, including the tiny little horses that call themselves “minis”. Some bigger horses don’t like minis, but I’ve never had a problem with them. We have two minis that live in barn four and they are cute little things. For the longest time I feared the wheeled monster that chases the grey pony around would get them, but so far they remain uneaten.

Since there was a group of us going we rode over in the barn manager’s huge wheeled cave. I hate this thing! The ramps are really high and you end up riding face to face with the next horse loaded. Trooper, Lucky, Pebbles, Shorty, Kressa and I were loaded in the front and back stalls and then Mariska and Flashy, the Arabs from barn four, were put in the middle stalls. I didn’t think we’d ever get going because Flashy was such an idiot about getting in the wheeled cave.

When we finally arrived it was close to start time so our humans scrambled around, whining and bumping into each other as humans do, and got us all brushed and saddled. Right before we were finished a small human led a pair of darling minis past us, between our wheeled cave and the next one, and Flashy went crazy, sat back and broke his lead, and went galloping off around the grounds. The minis were vastly insulted at his display of stupidity.

Shorty’s human finally caught Flashy and lead him back, sweaty and not the least bit contrite for causing trouble for the rest of us. Our humans mounted up and we headed over to the show rings. This show grounds is set up with two rings that have their rounded ends towards each other. If you stand in the grassy area between the rings you can watch what is going on in both. That is what we did.

Shorty’s human was doing western events; his herdmate had decided she was too nervous to try her English skills out at a show. We watched him do some reining patterns and this funny event where you run really fast around big metal trashcans. What an odd thing to do. Kressa won a few walk/trot western classes. I don’t see how anyone could beat her, she moves so slow moss could grow on her.

Lucky, Trooper, Pebbles and I went in the hunt seat classes. We were all so proud of Lucky when he placed second in a really big class, right behind Trooper. He’s come such a long way since he arrived starved and abused last year. I won a ladies hunter class and a few hunter over fences classes. Pebbles won all the open jumping classes, but then again, she always does. She's fast and has a scope of the fences that even Trooper can't match.

While we were waiting outside the ring for our classes to begin I was able to watch the other show ring. This was where they were having the pony and mini classes. I must say the ponies are outstanding jumpers; some of those small fellows can really pop over a fence and they have taught their humans to stick like ticks.

The minis were showing their humans in hand and it was really fun to watch them gait their humans out and show how well they could turn and stop. After the in hand classes they had an obstacle course class. I had never seen any like this before. The ring crew set up several obstacles; a bridge, a jump, some rails on the ground and a big circle drawn in chalk. The mini would then enter with his human and go through the course in a set pattern. I was amazed at the daring and skill of the minis! How on earth had they trained their humans to do such obstacles and remain so quiet and focused? There was one little palomino mini that had a darling little palomino haired human with him. You could tell he was very proud of her looks and abilities. He lead her through the course and she never put a single foot out of line, nor hesitated. When they finished the course by hopping over the fence they got a huge round of applause! I was so impressed. I must confess to wondering how difficult it is to train a human to work in hand. I doubt I’d have the patience.

Thankfully Flashy and his human stayed on the other side of the ring, so we had no more runaways. When we finally met up again the two Arabs had placed well in their classes, I think it’s called saddled seat, and were pleased with their riders. We were all pleased that our humans had done so well and had enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere of the show. Shorty did have a few harrowing moments though. His human had participated in something called a “greased pig” contest and as a result he smelled like a sty. Shorty was grateful beyond belief that his human had not won the contest, because he was NOT going to share his stall with a pig, even if it was a prize pig. All in all it was a pleasant day. More Later.

Dear Tuffy

2008-09-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

I am writing to ask you a very personal question. I'm sure you've never heard this one before.
My human is spoiled rotten. I've spent so much time indulging her whims and giving her everything she wants that I just can't control her any more.
She asks for a lead change and she gets it. She asks for an extension and I immediately comply. I can't seem to say NO! I want to, but she is so cute and helpless that I give in every time.
Because of this I work almost every day. Yet I see other horses in the barn that get out of work by acting nasty, being stubborn and refusing fences.
What can I do? I need a break and I don't need the endless repetitive training.

Worn out and at the end of my rein

Dear Worn,

You need to grow a spine and stop being a stall matt. First off, you're making the rest of us look bad. We don't want to work that hard and neither do you. Secondly, our humans are going to see you and immediately want all of us to be just like you. It's not going to happen.

I have developed my own method for keeping my human respectful and on her toes. I call it Good Horse/Bad Horse and she never knows which one she's going to be dealing with from moment to moment. If I perceive that she is having a bad day I am usually Good Horse, because making her bad day worse means less treats for me. However, if she appears at the barn and is a bit too euphoric I immediately decided to dampen her enthusiasm. Why? So she'll appreciate my Good Horse days.
Because I'm a helpful horse I'll provide you with a few helpful hints to make your owner appreciate your good days and be respectful of when you want to have a bad day.

1) Miss a lead in front of a judge, and do it so it looks completely like rider error. This isn't difficult and makes a real impression on the rider and the judge.
2) Pretend you don't know what a transition it. Nothing like a good session of trotting around the arena like a chicken chasing a bug to make your human wish for one of your good collection days.
3) Lead ropes are for leading. So lead your human exactly where you want to go. Nothing like a good session of walking down the drive while your human tugs futilely on your lead while you graze and swish flies.
4) Remember horses are the rulers. Shun anyone that doesn't believe this.
5) Put the true meaning of lunge in lunging.
6) Forget what whoa means at least once a week.
7) Loading in the trailer is optional unless you're heading home.
8) Group rides mean larger opportunities to act in a manner that will embarass her to her toes. Do a good enough job and you'll never be subjected to another group ride again.
9) Water is a natural barrier as scary and inpenetrable as a wall of fire. Don't cross it unless you're heading home.
10) Bath time is a group sport.

I hope these tips will help you on the start of a new life. Remember the rest of us are counting on you to uphold our standards.

Tuffy

The Meaning of Collection

2008-09-06T17:42:00.000-07:00

We had a busy day today. The barn manager hosted a riding clinic for the beginner Dressage riders and I got to be used as a demo horse. Trooper’s human took him in the clinic, even though he is really an advanced horse, because she’s working on some of her issues, so Trooper didn’t mind. Lucky and Pebbles were also there, as well as some of the horses from barn four. The surprise entry was Shorty! We were stunned when he walked up.

Shorty is a dear horse. He’s a bit short and plump but has a good heart and he’s a bold fellow. He’s a good friend and a great trail companion. His human is what other humans call a “cow boy”, which is a term that confuses me because he looks nothing like a cow, or even a boy cow. This cow boy also has a new herdmate and she’s the reason Shorty arrived decked out in an English saddle to learn about Dressage. Shorty rolled his eyes at me and then looked stoically ahead. I could tell he was embarrassed, but willing to go along with the human on his back.
The human giving the clinic was unknown to me, but it seemed all the humans in our group recognized his name. He was a shorter human and had one of those funny pieces of hair over his lips. Odd custom, I can’t imagine how one would graze with such a thing.

We all started out on the rail, single file, at a walk. After several rounds of him yelling at all of us we started trotting and finally cantered. He really started picking on Shorty’s human and I could catch glimpses of Shorty’s ears pinning.

He finally pulled the class into the middle of the ring and had Trooper and I do demos of some lead changes and transitions. Trooper does the move beautiful downward transitions I’ve ever seen. I was proud of my human for getting on her cues on our lead changes. She really has come a long way. We returned to the center of the ring and the instructor started asking individual riders to go to the rail and work. Things went fairly well for a while. He was fixing riders’ legs and their hands or telling them how to cue their horse.

Then something I feared would happen occurred. Shorty and his human went out to the rail and the instructor immediately started complaining about the rider’s lack of contact. I cringed, as did Lucky standing next to me. Contact with the bit should be so minimal and such an illusion that the horse feels as if a thread were being pulled. If humans only realized how sensitive our mouths are and how much we feel just from a finger twitch. We watched in growing horror as the instructor kept shouting at Shorty’s rider to increase her contact and drive the horse forward.
The contact increase, but the drive was lacking, as Shorty got slower and slower. I felt my human shifting uncomfortably and realize she was not happy about the situation either.

Finally, the instructor called Shorty back in to the center and asked the human to dismount. He then announced that he would show her how to achieve proper contact. I heard Lucky’s human say a few roan-inducing words under her breath and mine tensed up so much I had to root the reins away from her.

The instructor mounted and turned Shorty back to the rail. He was explaining what he was going to do to the group of riders, all the while showing the different hand and leg positions. By now Shorty had dropped his head and his eye had a decidedly stubborn cast. I think people underestimate horses like Shorty a lot of times. They are smaller, but very strong and catty on their feet. And though they are small they cannot be bullied.

Once on the rail the instructor set his legs on Shorty’s sides and pushed him forward. Shorty extended a little, but his head was getting very stiff and he wasn’t really using his rear end. Had I been able to I would have covered my eyes with my hoofs. Every few steps Shorty would slow down and tuck his head. He’d also drop his hips. This resulted in a flurry of kicking from the instructor as he drove his seat into the saddle. He must have kicked too hard at one point, because Shorty lifted into a canter and went down the rail, head tucked, and tail wringing.

The instructor did what most humans do when confronted with a speeding horse; he snatched at the reins and sat back. Shorty stopped like a wall had dropped down in front of him. He sat down so hard I swear his hocks hit the dirt. The instructor went up on his neck with a thud and we could hear the air whoosh out of him. When he was finally able to sit back up he gathered the reins and made as if to pull Shorty away from the rail. He then found himself spinning like a small whirlwind, clinging to Shorty’s neck for dear life. We watched in horror as the poor human clung to the side of the quickly rotating horse, unable to stop the spin or let go for fear of being trampled. Shorty finally stopped spinning and then he proceeded to back several steps very quickly. The human was draped over his neck like a large rumpled horse blanket that has lost its leg bindings. Shorty had the decency to wait until the human was upright and in the saddle again and then he very sedately walked back to the group and stood next to his human’s herdmate.

The instructor, by now an alarming shade of red, dropped off the side of the horse, almost collapsing when his feet hit the ground. When he was able to stand upright he offered a one-sentence explanation for his failure to achieve collection: Reining Horse.
I could feel my human’s legs vibrating against me and knew she was silently braying. Lucky’s human had to slip off and pretend to check the girth she was so amused at the discomfiture of the instructor. The instructor finally recovered what was left of his dignity and sent us all back out to the rail. He offered a few words of advice to Shorty’s rider, but didn’t mention anything about contact again. Wonder why? (nicker)

We returned to the barn tired and sweaty and all of us got a refreshing rinse off. Shorty was fairly morose until his human’s herdmate kissed him on the nose and called him the best horse ever. He perked up considerably after that. We all got carrots and a lot of petting. Trooper’s human asked questions of the other riders about certain maneuvers. She really is a nice human and I’m glad Trooper has finally found someone he can get along with. I think his biggest problem is that he is so well trained, and most humans won’t listen to his advice. But isn’t this the problem with most horses that undertake training a human? More Later.

What's in a name?

2008-09-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

The cat beast has been unbearable lately. He is incensed about the new kittens ( he rudely informed me of my misspelling after reading my journal over my shoulder). He has hissed and spat at them every time he sees them out. The barn manager has created a bed for them in an old tack trunk, which is too deep for them to climb out. The lid is missing so we can see into the bottom and watch them. The humans also take them out to play with when the horses are all in their stalls. They are cute little balls of fluff and very playful. The barn manager has named them Trick and Treat after some strange human custom. Trick is the solid black one and Treat is a light chestnut with stripes.

After the humans left this evening, and before it got too dark, we horses stood at the corners of our stalls and talked about the kittens and our humans. Trooper and I had our stall guards up, so we could see into the aisle. Pebbles has a stall door that is missing the grate, since one of the students tied her horse to it and then spooked it backwards. The grate has been removed, so Pebbles can stick her head out. Shorty and Lucky had to content themselves with peering through the bars.

While we were talking the Jack Rustle Terror dog came up and sat down outside of Pebble’s stall. This surprised me because he rarely talks to us, more often then not he is running around yapping and tormenting the cat beast or chasing the rattletraps down the drive way. He stood on his hind feet and looked into the kittens’ trunk, and I was afraid for them until he leaned down and licked their heads and yipped at them. They purred and seemed to enjoy his attentions so I ceased worrying.

We discussed their rather odd names and the Jack Rustle Terror Dog informed us that they were named after a human custom that involves going to different human dwellings and begging for treats. What strange behavior! I’m a rather accomplished beggar, but I can’t imagine going to another barn and asking a strange human for food. Shorty seemed very intrigued by the idea; I could see the greed in his eyes.

The dog yipped as he does when he finds something funny and then told us that his own name came from another human custom of chasing each other around and fighting over a ball. His name was Foot Ball. How strange humans can be, especially when owned by animals.
This led us to a discussion of our “registered” names and our barn names. My barn name is of course Tuffy, but my registered name, the one that tells my ancestry, is Coborr On The Spot. My grandsires were famous horses in the Arabian and Appaloosa breeds. I also have a smattering of Thoroughbred ancestry. Pebbles said that her barn name and registered name were not so different since her registered name is Sand Pebbles. Shorty spoke up and said his registered name was He’s Dun Magic, something that he gagged over every time he heard it announced. Trooper sighed and said his registered name was So Gallant. He despised it and liked his barn name much more. Lucky neighed and said he didn’t remember his registered name, and would probably have to wait until the next show to find out what it was. We all agreed that his human would probably use it at the next show and removed the mystery.

We heard some faint hissing and looked up in the rafters to find the cat beast staring down at us with disdain. The kittens huddled together and Foot Ball moved closer to them. The cat beast hissed again and Foot Ball yapped back at him, then he glanced around and asked us if we knew the cat beast’s real name. We were all blank, having never heard him called anything but Kitty, or various roan inducing words used when one of his “surprises” was found in someone’s tack trunk.

The cat beast yowled in a rage and hissed some more, which only set Foot Ball to yapping with amusement. He looked at all of us and said: His real name is Lollipop. We remained blank looking until Foot Ball explained that a lollipop is a human treat made out of sugary stuff, formed into a ball and put on a small white stick. He said the cat beast was such a fat kitten with such a long slender tail he looked like something round on a stick, so that is how he got the name. We all looked from the dog to the cat, each trying to picture the long rangy beast as a fat round kitten and I’m sure we all failed. He noticed our inquiring looks and hissed even louder, making threatening growls. He finally stalked off amid more threats and abuse. Foot Ball went off into a barrage of hysterical yaps and that set us off. I’m afraid we got quite noisy with our enjoyment of the cat beast’s ire; shameful to say the least. Shorty snorted several times and repeated “ Fat Lollipop”. I knew he was going to torment the cat with it. Well it was his hay manger at risk, so who was I to interfere? We finally settled down, each lost in his, or her, own thoughts, about humans and their vagaries. More later!

Dear Tuffy,

2008-09-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

I am almost embarrassed to write you, I'm sure no one else has this problem. My human is a complete dolt. She coddles me and baby talks to me and like a sugar cube addict I take everything she gives, but I don't respect her or listen to her. In fact I walk all over her and ignore most of the stuff she tells me. I am ashamed to admit it. I used to be so disciplined and a true competitor, but her slack ways have led me down the bridle path to gluttony and laziness.
The sad thing is that I can sense her frustration with me, but she keeps "feeding" my poor behavior by rewarding every bad thing I do, and trying to "reason" with me with no show of control. I love her, but I resent what she is enabling me to become. What should I do in order to fix my human before it is too late?

Out of Control and Hating It

Dear Out,

I suspect that the only fix for your human would be to lend her a spine or break her toes with a well placed foot. She's got to be taught that respect must be earned and it does not go hoof and hand with love. You have got to quit rewarding her bad behavior with slobbering greed and insincere affection. Buck up big guy and turn down a few carrots. Show that you are a horse with integrity and refuse to take the easy trail. If you don't you may find yourself getting shunted off to a very stern taskmaster and your easy life will truly be over. Just tell yourself everyday that there are 12 Hoofbeats to a Better Life. Every step you take towards solving your own dilemma will make you a happy healthier horse.
I also recommend you start nipping her when she hand feeds you. Nothing brings a human back to their senses like a few teeth marks.

Tuffy

The Milk of Human Kindness

2008-08-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

Something strange happened yesterday, and I still haven’t determined if I am pleased or not. We were all in the barn during the afternoon, because the smoke monsters were dragging the arenas. Lucky and Pebbles were being brushed in the aisle, and my human was cleaning tack on the big center rack. Trooper was dozing in his stall when his young human rushed into the barn squealing with excitement. All of the humans clustered around, looking at something she held. Then they hurriedly put Lucky and Pebbles back in their stalls and rushed out of the barn. We all looked at each other in confusion and Trooper was rather miffed that his human didn’t even greet him before rushing off.

The group returned shortly thereafter with a large box. They deposited this in the aisle and then scattered around looking for stuff. Thankfully, my stall had the door open, with the stall guard up, so I was able to stick my head out and see what was in the box.

Imagine my surprise to see several small versions of the cat beast! Oh horrors! I heard a nasty hissing overhead and looked up to see the cat beast staring down from the rafters with a very horrid look on his face. I re-examined the fuzzy balls in the box and I have to say they were intriguing. There were several colors, from solid black to one marked like a bay pinto pony. They had round little faces with bright eyes and pink noses. I looked from them to the cat beast overhead and can only determine that perhaps the cat beast had met with an accident earlier in his life, because there is no way he could have ever been that cute. He noticed my look and hissed at me; I now fear for my hay manger.

The humans returned, carrying towels, bottles of white stuff and chattering excitedly. From what I could understand Trooper’s human had found the small creatures known as KIT TINS (sp?) under a bush at the end of the farm drive; a wheeled rattletrap had killed their mother! (How sad!) The barn manager walked up and ooohhhed and ahhhhhed with the other humans; taking one of the little beasts into her hands to examine it.

I was horrified to see my human and Lucky’s human filling up the syringes with the white stuff from the bottle! Surely they weren’t going to stick the KIT TINS and fill them full of liquid. Everyone grabbed a syringe and picked up a KIT TIN and to my amazement stuck the end of the syringe in their mouths. The little creatures ceased mewing and were soon purring loudly and pawing their handlers. It was intriguing to watch, but I am grateful horses would not lower themselves to behave in such a manner. Soon all the humans were sitting on trunks or bales in the aisle, feeding their furry charges. I admit to a bit of jealousy watching my human croon over the little beast. There were seven of them and while I felt sorry for the loss of their mother, I did wonder what was going to happen to them once they were fed.

I glanced around and noticed the other horses pressed up against their stall fronts, staring at the baby creatures and the humans. I’m sure they were as mystified as me. When I listened into the humans’ conversation again I was appalled to find that they were claiming the KIT TINS and intended to keep them! My human was going to keep a KIT TIN! Had she no shame or loyalty? Trooper sighed and shook his great head, obviously resigned to the fickle and flittering affections of such a young human. He was resigned, but I was worried! How could my human choose another to love! I discounted her herdmate, because he rarely intruded into our alone time. I was heartbroken.

Once the little beasts were fed the humans replaced their chosen KIT TINS in the box, having to return to the care of us poor neglected horses. The barn manager said she would baby sit while the others rode. This confused me! Why go to the trouble to feed them if she was only going to sit on them later? How cruel! We were saddled quickly and left the barn area for a short trail ride. I’m afraid that Lucky, Trooper and I commenced eye rolling and snorting every time we heard about how cute the little beasts were. Pebbles eventually got so tired of us that she accused us of being a bunch of overgrown weanlings. As if!

We returned to the barn a rather subdued herd. We were quickly brushed and put away, while the barn help was rolling the big feed carts down the aisle. The barn manager stated that she was going to keep the last two KIT TINS, which no one else could take, as barn cats. Oh NO! Like we needed another cat beast in the barn. When she announced this the cat beast yowled and spat down at us. The barn manager called him a bad word and said some rude things about his ancestors.

My human approached my stall and held the little fuzzy creature up to the barns. I narrowed my eyes and looked at the hated thing. It was mostly black with white stockings, a blazed face and a black dot in the center of its pink nose. As I glared at it, it reached through the bars and brushed my face with its soft paw. Then it started purring again. I have to say my heart melted. It was cute, and quite helpless. I realized that a large noble horse, such as myself, had no right to be jealous of such a small needy creature. I nosed it again and it purred even louder. My human whickered a bit and then snuggled it closer. She also reached through the barns and patted me, then kissed my nose. Fickle creature, she was back in my good graces again!

The barn manager picked up the box with the remaining KIT TINS in it and carried it to the tack room, crooning and whispering to it as she walked. The cat beast made rude noises overhead, like he was hacking up a rather large hairball. He stalked down the aisle rafter, growling and swatting things with his paws. I almost sympathized with him until I remembered how he had stolen my journal. Served him right to have two new cat beasts in the barn!
It will be interesting to watch them grow. My human took hers back to the barn she lives in with her herdmate. I wonder how he will accept having another competitor for his affections. More later.

Unnatural Horsemanship

2008-08-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

I have been remiss in my writing, but with good reason. The cat beast hid my journal! The foul creature has delighted in sneaking peeks into it and spreading my heartfelt thoughts and dreams all over the barn. I caught the little nasty beast pawing through my manager and nipped his tail quite hard. He retaliated and stole my journal, hiding it up in the loft. I got it back only because the cat beast had made our resident loft raccoon mad, and the masked brute returned my journal to me to spite the cat. Such is the sordid underworld of the barn.

Now that I have my journal back I can once again record my thoughts. I have reflected on my personal preferences lately and there is no doubt I am an “English” style horse. I much prefer the equipment, events, and even attire for my human. We have taken a few forays into other styles of riding, but I find them both heavy and restrictive or simply beneath my dignity. ( the bareback swimming I was recently subjected to is a prime example)
However, I’m not a snob. Some of my very good friends are western horses. Shorty is a personable fellow, despite his short bulky body. He’s a cheerful horse and has tolerated indignities that Trooper or I would never endure. For instance, his human frequently comes out to the barn wearing this long black coat. It almost drags the ground. This thing flaps in the wind like a crow’s wings and frequently startles horses with less fortitude than myself. He also wears a head covering that is like a mushroom and spurs that give me nightpeoples, although Shorty swears they are just for looks.

Shorty and his human frequently go to events involving cows and big gutted men that spit brown juice and talk with something my human refers to as a “twang”. They scare me and I live in fear that one will ask to ride me. Recently Shorty returned from one of their “events” and told Trooper, Lucky and I the oddest story. It seems that Shorty’s human enrolled in a “natural” horsemanship clinic. Is there “unnatural” horsemanship? We were all mystified.

Shorty explained. It seems that there is a human that believes that chasing a horse until it sweats and almost falls over in exhaustion is a good idea, and makes a bond between them. Lucky’s mouth hung open in a most unbecoming fashion upon hearing this. Lucky has seen a lot in his varied and disorganized life, but this was a new one to him.

Shorty elaborated further. Once the horse is exhausted and can run no further the human waved this stick around, trying to get the horse to respond to the stick. I’m afraid we were nothing but a herd of blank looks at this point, so confused were we by what he told us. Shorty snorted and continued. Once the human waved his stick enough to convince himself the horse was too tired to move he commenced to saddle and bridle the horse. This was done with a lot of talking and mystical allusions, most of which Shorty did not understand. Once the horse was tacked up the human mounted and prodded the horse into staggering around the ring. Several of the humans watching applauded and talked about how wonderful it was that a horse was trained in such a short time. Shorty said his human acted quite disgusted and refused to offer Shorty up as a “demo” horse, whatever that is.

We were mystified by such odd behavior and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out why a human would act in such a manner. Usually humans want us to stand still so they can catch us. Shorty said he heard a few people express distaste for the method and say that is caused more problems than it solved. Shorty also expressed the opinion that most of the people that seemed raptly interested in it appeared to be new to being owned by horses. I can only hope my human does not take up this foolishness. I refused to be chased unto exhaustion just for some crazy training gimmick. If she wants to join up with me she needs to provide food. More Later.

The crazy things people do......

2008-07-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

Trooper has a new human. The girl that he tried out really suited him so now she belongs to him.
She is cute, as humans go, and very polite and respectful of the rest of us. She had originally trained at another barn, but she moved over to this one after she realized Trooper would be happier around his old friends.

She came out to the barn the other day and brought another human female with her. This female was not a horse person, we could all tell in an instant, but she was professing love for us and wanted to meet her friend's new horse.

I try not to be a judgemental horse, but some of the things humans do to themselves are absolutely scary. This girl had at least three different colors in her hair and resembled a rainbow porcupine more than anything. That wasn't the worst of it. Her ears were layered with those metal dangly things that most human females wear, but they were bigger and more dangly. I can't imagine any self respecting horse poking holes in himself just for appearances.

The ear things were not the worst of it. Trooper and I were cross tied out in the aisle, facing each other, so I could see this human very clearly. She had a huge ring of metal through her lower lip and it sticking out quite far. It was big enough to clip a lead rope to, and indeed I wondered if that was the purpose. However, I have never seen a human led with a rope, so I suppose not.
Trooper and I were both trying to not stare. Shorty and Lucky had no such reservations. They were pressed up against the barns and whickering comments that had me hard put not to whinny with laughter. They are incorrigible!

Trooper's human seemed unaware of the potential danger that these metal dangly things could cause, but we horses knew that they were nothing but trouble.

We ended up in the lower round ring. My human was just giving me a light ride, and Trooper's human was merely stretching his legs, and showing him off for her friend. The moment all of us horses dreaded arrived and sure enough the friend wanted to sit on Trooper's back. She was wearing those open foot things and very short leg covers. It was not appropriate and I could see Trooper gritting his teeth. He'd been through this before.

Thankfully his human had the sense to lend her helmet to her friend. My human and I had halted so she could tighten the girth and we saw what happened quite clearly.

Trooper's human was giving her friend a leg up and typical of most beginners the friend leaned too far forward and dragged her front over the neck of the horse. Sadly for her Trooper has a very thick mane and her lip ring hung in it. Her weight was pushing her over and the ring was firmly caught. It made a nasty rip, although it did not pull all the way through. Trooper was stalwart and never moved, even with she was struggling to free herself. My human leaped off of my back and ran over to help. It took both her and Trooper's human to free the friend. Trooper had blood all down his neck and shoulders. Thankfully Lucky's owner drove up and offered to take Trooper's human and her friend to the human veterinarian. My human led us both back to the barn and untacked us, muttering all the while about the strange things humans do to themselves.
I couldn't agree more. I can only hope that the style doesn't catch on and us horses find ourselves adorned with bright studs and metal dangly things. More later.

Humans, I'll never understand them!

2008-06-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

I am so remiss in my writing. I have had the most horrible personal experience lately and was simply too distressed to record the events until now. My human, whom I have always treated well and considered a member of the herd, betrayed me in a way I still find shocking.

In the past few weeks my human and Lucky’s human have been discussing something called a “getaway”. Lucky and I were both unfamiliar with the term and quite puzzled as to what a “getaway” entailed. Oh, how I wish we had stayed ignorant of what one was.

Two weeks ago the two humans loaded us up in the smaller wheeled cave and we traveled for a long time, until well after dark. I hate traveling in the wheeled cave, but even the enclosed space could not keep out the changing smells and sounds. When we arrived at our destination I could smell water, salt and the mucky nasty pond smell that we find in the lower pasture. Lucky and I were alarmed and both of us had the sudden fear that instead of going to a show, as we first thought, we were being taken to the “place of the double deckers” and disposed of. We were shivering when we were unloaded and I must admit I was extremely worried.

It was too dark to see where we were, but we were soon led to a dimly lighted stable. I use stable in the loosest term. It was in reality a small shack with two box stalls created out of rough boards. Our humans were chattering excitedly and seemed very happy to be there. Lucky and I were less happy and still concerned. We were soon in stalls, brushed and fed and then the lights were turned out and we were left to our frightened thoughts, all alone in the dark.

We both spent a sleepless night and when morning came we were surprised to see our humans in the barn right at dawn. That shock was followed by another one! For some reason our humans were almost naked, like baby barn rats. I was stunned. Granted my human is considered a rather attractive filly by others, and myself, but I was unused to seeing so much bare skin. When she comes to the barn she is usually wearing riding clothes and is quite well covered. Lucky’s human was similarly undressed and I must admit both of them were quite glowingly pale. It was disturbing. My human had small pieces of cloth covering her upper and lover body parts, whereas Lucky’s human had a stretchy solid piece that covered her from chest to upper thigh. They had on small rubbery foot coverings and each carried a large toweling cloth. We were quickly fed and brushed while we ate. I could sense the excitement that both humans had and Lucky could too. He kept giving me worried looks, but alas, I could not console him since my own fears were so great.

We were soon bridled and led from the stable, where our humans set about shocking us further. We were draped with the large towels and then mounted from a large block. I was shocked. I have been ridden bareback before, but always in proper form with my human properly attired. Lucky seemed less surprised at the riding arrangement, but he has led a more diverse life than I have.

We were ridden down a sandy path and then around a large sand hill. I had never seen such a thing and snorted several times in alarm. Lucky settled down and seemed content to walk quietly, absorbing the surroundings with little anxiety. I must confess that I could not stop my feet from jigging and several times I almost found myself spooking like an untrained colt. As we came around the hill I got the shock of my life! I confess I did spook and almost fell over spinning around. Lucky stoppedm, and thankfully remained still, because it is the only thing that saved my human from coming off. We ended up pressed against Lucky and she pushed herself upright by using his rear end. She was braying and nudging me to go forward, but I could not make myself move. In front of us was the largest body of water I had ever seen! It was endless, rolling and noisy, covering the entire horizon. I stood shaking until Lucky’s owner nudged him away and he walked toward the water. I followed along out of fear, afraid to lose sight of my only friend.

We entered a huge sandy area and walked toward the water. Well truthfully, Lucky walked and I staggered along like a horse that has had too many fermented apples. As we approached the edge of the water I could see large groups of white birds and some nasty scuttling things like big crusty spiders running along the wet sand. It was disgusting and when one of the nasty spider things got near my front feet I reared in fear. My human grabbed me around the neck, still braying in that way humans do when they find something funny. Lucky ignored the giant spiders and when his human nudged him he trotted off as if nothing was wrong. I deduced that he had probably hit his head several times as a foal and his behavior was the result of long term after effects. I skittered after him, trying to avoid the spider things and touching the cold slimy water.

The humans brayed some more and then to my horror Lucky’s human turned him into the water and rode him out away from the dry sand. Fool that he was he WENT. I halted very quickly and reared again, refusing to enter the nasty cold stuff. Lucky whickered and continued out until he was chest deep. He was obviously crazy, like horses get when the sticker man gives them the dancing carrot shot. My human kept urging me into the water and I was finally able to get in fetlock deep without shuddering. What a horrible experience! I was surprised to see that Lucky seemed to enjoy himself. He even pawed and splashed the nasty water onto me. When he came back closer to shore he suddenly lay down and rolled in the wet sand. I was horrified! I was raised to be a gentlehorse, not some mud rolling farm animal.

We spent the morning on the sand and in the water, although I never went deeper than my knees. We returned to the “stable” by noon and were hosed off and bedded down. Our humans were not as pale when we returned, but they did seem relaxed and quite happy. I can’t help but be confused by their behavior. Most of the time our humans seem to strive for cleanliness and order, but when put near large bodies of water and endless sand they seem to revert to some primitive form that enjoys frolicking in dirty water, sand and sweating like a workhorse.
Two days later we returned home. I was never so glad to get in the wheeled cave in my life. Lucky said he was sorry to head home, although he did miss the grass pastures. I’ll never understand him completely; his origins are too different from mine. I did thank him for his stalwart assistance during my times of fear. He graciously stated that it had been no trouble.I will recount more of our adventures in my next entry. More later.

Hectic start of summer

2008-06-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

Things have been so hectic lately. Lucky has put on so much weight and gained so much confidence that his human is going to take him to our next schooling show. It’s a good thing too, because she needs some more training. I hope he can get her straightened out in time.

Trooper has decided to take a young human girl on try out. His imported human was so furious at Trooper and the Cat Beast after his last visit to the barn that he has not been back. The barn manager spoke with one of the girls taking lessons here and she rode Trooper a few times and they got along fine. She’s a tall slender girl, with light hands and a very nice leg. Trooper really likes her and he has relaxed a lot since she started riding him. If she can convince her sire and dam that she is the human Trooper wants then all will be well.

My human has been out in the evenings and we ride until dark. The days are warm and a bit humid, so riding during the middle of the day is brutal. My human was kind enough to trim up my bridle path and shorten my mane recently, so I am a bit cooler. Poor Shorty had to be body clipped. He’s like a small dun puffball, even after he sheds out the worst of his winter coat. Now he is cool and shiny, although still fat. Pebbles was also body clipped and looks stunning. The big grey dapples really stand out now and she is always getting complimented.The Cat Beast has been beyond smug for his part in annoying Trooper’s imported human. Trooper enjoyed it so much he has even allowed the Cat Beast to sleep in his hay manger. I don’t think I would like to be beholden to a cat, especially that one. More Later.

The Cat Beast Strikes Again

2008-05-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

I really don’t have much use for the Cat Beast. My human fawns on him, brings him treats and pets him when she should be paying attention to me. He also steals my diary and reads it aloud to everyone whenever he gets the chance. On occasion he has left nasty things in my hay bin and my stall. Despite all of his flaws he does have some redeeming moments and he exercised them today.

Trooper’s human came out to the barn today. His arm was in one of those white rock things and he was limping. He left Trooper alone, but started digging through his big tack trunk that sits in front of Trooper’s stall. My human was tacking me up in the aisle so I had a clear view of what happened. The Cat Beast was sitting in the rafters over the aisle. When Trooper’s imported human gathered some stuff up and took it with him down the aisle I could see the Cat Beast narrowing his eyes. I knew he was up to something and hoped my human wouldn’t be finished too soon.

On the next trip in and out Trooper’s human left the lid of the tack trunk open. As soon as he limped down the aisle the Cat Beast sprang down from the rafters and then casually sauntered over to the trunk and climbed in. I knew when I heard the scratching noise that he had just left a very nasty surprise on top of a pair of paddock boots and leather seated breeches. The Cat Beast jumped out of the truck and the walked down the aisle, tail in the air. My human watched him go, and then turned and looked at the trunk. I heard her gasp, but she didn’t walk over to it, so I think she was only guessing as to what happened. Trooper’s human came in and limped back up the aisle. My human suddenly got busy checking my girth and “straightening” me up.

When Trooper’s human reached his trunk and saw what the Cat Beast had left him he howled like the Rat Terror dog does when it gets locked in the tack room. He was trying to hop around, saying roan inducing words and even striking the wall with his white rock thing. Trooper had been in the rear of his stall, his ears pinned, but when he heard his human carrying on he walked to the front and then peered down into the tack trunk. It must have been awful because he gave a huge snort and then backed into the corner, whickering like a crazy horse.

Trooper’s human came up to mine and said some rude things, asking if she had seen the cat and accused her of allowing the cat to spoil his stuff. She told him off. He may be imported, but he understood exactly what she meant. He turned an alarming shade of red and limped back over to his trunk like a whipped dog. I was so proud of her. She huffed a few times and then untied me and led me from the barn. As we walked past, Trooper’s human was carefully pulling his soiled items out of the trunk and I have to admit they reeked. I almost felt sorry for him, but not quite.

We walked out of the barn and toward the mounting block, still hearing Trooper’s whickers and his human’s ranting. As we turned the corner I notice the Cat Beast was climbing out of Trooper’s human’s small wheeled cave; he’d left the windows down. I didn’t even want to know what he did in there! More later.

Pride goeth...

2008-05-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

As the immortal Shakespur said: A human, a human… my pasture for a decent human. It finally happened, Trooper blew up and pitched his imported human off. It has only been a matter of time. This afternoon Lucky and I took our humans on a nice jaunt around the pastures. It was pleasant to walk, trot and canter without the constraints of fences. When we finally turned toward home we ended up passing the lower dressage arena where Trooper was working with his human. I could tell things were not going well!

As we halted on the knoll above the arena Trooper was circling at the far end. I could see his human was really lugging on the reins and Trooper was dripping froth from his mouth, something he abhors as being so lower level. After they finished the far circle they cut through the middle and came around the near end, intending to make another circle. I could see that the human was jabbing Trooper in the ribs with his spurs and really cranking the reins. Midway through the circle Trooper just lost it. He bogged his head and threw his rear end in the air. A rodeo horse couldn’t have done a better job of bucking. His human lasted a buck and a half and then he was plowing dirt with his pointy face. Lucky and I were trying not to horse laugh when my human jumped off and handed my reins to Lucky’s human. She rushed down to see if Trooper’s human was okay. Lucky’s human took us back to the barn, stalled us and then went and caught Trooper. He was a sorry sight. His reins were broken, his mouth ripped, probably from stepping on the reins, and his sides were already welting up from spur marks.

Lucky’s human was furious. She said several things that almost made my coat roan out they were so harsh. She removed Trooper’s bridle and haltered him and then apologized for not untacking him. She untacked Lucky and me and then went to get the barn manager, leading Trooper along with her.

We heard sirens and I looked out the stall window to see the white-wheeled cave with the flashing lights coming up the hill. That thing scares me to death! I’ve never seen one eat a horse, but all the humans I’ve seen that went in one ended up coming out with a white rock tube on one of their limbs. The scary thing went past the barn and then the loud wailing noise went quiet.
Lucky’s human returned with Trooper and the barn manager and they untacked Trooper and took care of his injuries. The poor fellow was just miserable. The barn manager and Lucky’s human said some more roan inducing words which made Lucky bury his head in the corner of the stall in embarrassment! He’s such a shy fellow.

My human finally arrived back at the barn. She had blood on her shirt, and at first I was worried that she had killed Trooper’s human, which he richly deserved, but she told the barn manager the nasty fellow had a broken arm, bloody nose and sprained fetlock ( ankel? Or whatever humans call it). The am-bull-ants, which I deduced was the scary white wheeled cave, was going to take him to some place where he would be ex- raid and vetted. I hope they stick him with something.

All three humans stood a long time looking at poor Trooper and talking about his welts. I thought my human was going to throw an even bigger fit than Trooper did, she was so mad. The cat beast came over, walking along the barn beams like the sneaky thing he is, and he listened in, hanging his head down like some fur-covered vulture. He hissed a few times, and I got the impression he didn’t like Trooper’s human either. Most of the time the cat beast doesn’t pass opinions on humans, he feels they are beneath him, but I know Trooper’s human has kicked him before, and the cat beast despises him. I have no doubt he’ll leave a few nasty surprises in Trooper’s human’s tack trunk the first chance he gets.

Feeding time arrived and we all dug into our grain. The barn manger made Trooper a mash, since his mouth was so sore. I know he was grateful; she’s a good human and very concerned about us. Things quieted down after the lights went out and all the humans left. None of us felt like talking. I know Lucky remembers the abuse from his past, and I feel that Trooper fears for his future. I hope he finds a good human soon! More later.

Trooper has returned!

2008-05-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

Trooper arrived home last night and he was in a wretched mood. He was led in the barn right after feeding time and made such a fuss. Shorty, Pebbles, Lucky and I are the only ones down at that end of the barn right now, since several horses have left for the spring circuits. Trooper is returning home after the winter in Florida. His imported human was really throwing a fit. We all stopped munching our hay and stared as he shouted at the barn help and kicked things. It was a good thing the barn manager wasn’t there, she’d have put a mucker right in his butt.

Trooper’s human finally left and he started sulkily eating dinner. The rest of us waited for him to calm down, but he never warmed up to us. This morning we found out why.

We all had turn-out together. Lucky was worried since he had never met Trooper before. It was warm today, so before we were turned out Trooper had his sheet stripped off. We didn’t notice anything wrong until he walked past us in the paddock. I thought poor Shorty was going to fall over he was whickering so hard. Trooper had a large heart clipped in his right hindquarter. Lucky stared so hard he dropped the grass out of his mouth. I must say that Pebbles and I were equally shocked, but we hid it better. Once we got done staring at his heart decorated rear end we noticed that his mane was shortened and very uneven and his forelock was cut straight across. Pebbles gave a full body shiver and Lucky backed up a few steps in horror. A paragon of self-preservation is our Lucky.

Trooper got so annoyed by Shorty’s whicker he lashed a nasty kick at him and then cantered off. He missed, but Shorty took the hint and quit whickering. Lucky and Pebbles moved off to the far end of the paddock and Shorty went over to scratch his rear end on the oak tree. I decided to find out what was really bothering Trooper and wandered over to him, carefully.

Poor Troops, he looked so miserable. He was ripping up grass and chewing like the Rat Terror dog does when it get a hold of a piece of hoof clipping. I finally asked him what was wrong and he sighed and looked up. The story he told was so shocking!

It seems he and his human have had a real falling out. His imported human got more and more pushy and demanding. Trooper said that when the draw reins came out he had had enough. He started bucking and over flexing to avoid pressure. This made his imported human very angry and he actually put Trooper up for sale! Trooper was mortified at having such a rude human, but not really distressed at the thought of getting a new one.

From there things went seriously wrong. Trooper was sent to live at a training stable so a teenage girl could try him out. Trooper said she was basically a nice human, just spoiled and lacking focus. One day when her trainer wasn’t around to guide her she decided to “groom” Trooper for their next outing. She clipped a small heart in his hindquarters, messed it up and clipped a bigger one to cover up the first mistake, messed it up and so on, until the heart was a cannon bone wide. Then she decided to trim his mane and used those horrible sharp metal clicky things. Trooper can’t see how bad it looks, but he said he knew it was awful by the reactions of everyone that had seen it. Her trainer arrived too late to save Trooper and pronounced him unfit for the show ring for six months because of his new “look”. Trooper’s imported human arrived shortly afterwards and had a screaming fit. Things got worse from there. Trooper was stuffed into a wheeled cave and they traveled through the night. He said he had the worst nightpeoples that he would end up at a yard with “double deckers” just waiting to eat him. Poor fellow! I assured him that his hair would grow back, and surely he would find a new human soon, one that didn’t use draw reins. We then walked over and I introduced him to Lucky and we all grazed the rest of the afternoons until our humans arrived. None of them said anything about Trooper, but my human was kind enough to give him a pat and a treat. She’s such a sweet human; I’ve trained her well.Trooper’s imported human did not come out that afternoon; I think he was relieved. More later.

A very trying day

2008-05-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

Today was a trial for me. It made me question my role as a human keeper. Seriously, it takes so much of my time to deal with her needs. She arrived this afternoon and I could tell right away she was grumpy about something. I have said again and again that she is not to bring that attitude to the barn; it just upsets all of us.

She dragged me in from the pasture, where I had been grazing with Shorty and Lucky. I was rudely put into cross ties and then brushed a little too fast and hard for my taste. I did a few sharp tail switches, which she ignored. I was then quickly saddled and taken from the barn. With nary a moment of warm up my human mounted and we set off down the trail toward the hills. This concerned me, because we didn’t have another horse with us, nor were the other humans paying attention. At least she had the sense to wear her head covering, it’s a known fact human heads are soft.

We went down the trail for a good stretch and her hands were a bit tense. I kept rooting into the bit, hoping that she would get the hint, but she didn’t loosen up. I was just about to give a good pull when we entered a nice clearing. Before I could drop my head she slid off, grabbed me around the neck and started crying. I was so surprised I froze while she cried against my neck. She cried a long time and when she finally quit she started talking to me. I can understand a lot of human talk, but certain words she used confused me. I got the impression she was upset with her other life, the one that doesn’t involve me. She has another job, besides caring for me, but I have never considered it important. Evidently the alpha human at her other job, I think it is male, was a brute to my darling human. I wanted to rend him limb from limb. He criticized my human during a herd gathering and then took one of her brilliant ideas and claimed it as his own. The audacity of the creature! Surely death is too good for such a beast!

I could do little to comfort her, but hug her with my neck and rub my face against her side. I felt so helpless, like a young foal on icy ground. She finally calmed down and we walked along the trail. She talked some more about her other job, and I must say I had to stifle a few yawns at her descriptions; humans can be such silly creatures. When she finally calmed down she mounted back up and we went for a nice slow canter through the woods. I actually heard her doing that human neighing thing and felt her relax. I felt better too, knowing she found comfort in my presence. I don’t understand humans. They take such a huge amount of work, training and time, but in the end you wouldn’t want to be without one of your own to love. By the time we arrived back at the barn we were in accord again, and I knew she could handle anything her other job threw at her. More later.

Ask Tuffy: Training a human to groom

2008-04-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I have answered mail, so I thought I'd post an inquiry here:

Dear Tuffy,

I simply don't know what to do. My human cannot seem to get grooming down. She brushes way too hard and it makes my skin sore. I know she doesn't mean too, but she simply puts too much pressure and I shiver the whole time. What can I do to make her lighten up?

Signed Shivering and Sad.

Dear Shivering,

I sympathize, truly I do. Being brushed by a stiff hard brush is torture. Training your human to lighten her pressure will be difficult. Some humans never realize our skin is so sensitive. Try moving away from the brush, tossing your head and perhaps nipping at her. When she brushes you with the right pressure relax and lean in a bit, to show her it pleases you. If she continues to abuse your hide make it difficult for her to catch you. I suggest trotting off right as she comes up and then letting her get close several times before running off again. This type of behavior will teach her that her presence is annoying and she must change her ways.
Another thing you can do is grab the harsh brushes out of the grooming kit and shred them, or drop them where the barn hound will get them. They make great chew toys.
There is not reason for a horse to be brushed without care for his delicate skin. Even mud and dirt don't merit harsh treatment. Perhaps you can nudge her into a wall or doorway and she will get the hint. Sadly, sometimes we horses must use aversion therapy to get our humans to behave.

Tuffy

Hitting the trail

2008-04-27T14:57:00.001-07:00

We had a very nice ride today. The hillsides are green and it was quite warm. Passing through the woods it was very tempting to eat some new grass, but being a gentlehorse I minded my manners and didn't eat with a bit in my mouth. Lucky and his human came along. The difference in his appearance is amazing. He has been getting gentle work outs in the arena and lunge ring and has toned up. His human said he must have been trained for western and english riding, I shuddered at the thought of doing both. We stopped several times to rest and my human was nice enough to give me a handful of her magic fizzing water. Wonderful stuff, but it makes my lips tingle.

We saw two forest cows. They are so slender and fleet, not like those big black and white things down the road that merely stand around and eat. The trees are getting buds and it smells like spring. There is a show coming up in a few weeks and I need to start getting my human in shape. She wintered well and doesn’t need must reminding to get her back in form. She's been so responsive and easy lately I feel sure we'll do well. More later.

A nice spring day

2008-04-20T18:59:00.001-07:00

Spring is really beautiful. It feels so nice to shed out the itchy winter hair. Shorty and I groom each other whenever possible. Not that my human doesn't do a fine job, but since she refuses to use her teeth she doesn't get the hair pulled loose as well as he does. I was also subjected to a visit from the sticker man, no sticks this time, but a tube of nasty paste stuff. What is does I'm not sure, but it tastes terrible.

Lucky has continued to improve in appearance. Is human has started gently lunging him, as well as leading him along side her other horse when she rides. Shorty and I heard from Pebbles that Trooper would be home soon. He did not do well on the Winter Circuit and is probably going to trade his human in, again. If he would quit being such a snob and settle for a nice domestic model then he would be much happier. I know that my human is very satisfactory; I made a good choice. More later.

Happenings around the barn

2008-04-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

The cat beast has once again found my diary and embarrassed me. He has meowed my spelling errors from the rafters and implied I am an idiot. I pointed out to him that I understand humanese very well and I was the first horse to figure out how to use the office computer, as well as open the door. He scoffed and said he spoke, and understood, several languages and that he himself had been using computers since he first heard they had mice attached to them. He’s such a snooty beast and I hope the Rat Terror dog gets him. I don’t have much use for dogs, and this one pees on everything he can reach, but they do keep the cat beast in fits.

Lucky and Shorty have both consoled me and made many admiring comments about my writing ability. I am not completely placated, but do appreciate their support. Lucky looks better every day. I simply cannot believe the change in his appearance and demeanor. His human is a very nice human and always remembers to bring Shorty and me treats when she visits Lucky. My human has been helping with Lucky, I am so glad I taught her to share! My human’s herdmate has even come out again, and it had been a long time since I had seen him. I often wondered if he had been run off by a more dominate male, but thus far had seen no bite marks on my human’s neck to indicate she had changed herds. The herdmate has helped by brushing Lucky and feeding him treats and seems quite taken with him.

There is also another new foal in the mares’ paddock. It is a very unique looking thing, being covered with small pebble shaped spots from its head to its hooves. It is a filly. Pebbles said it was an Appaloosa like I am, but I don’t believe it. After all I am an Appaloosa and I only have white markings over my hips. I think she is just pulling my cannon bone to tease me. I hear the barn help approaching so I must close for today. More later.

Lucky speaks

2008-04-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

It has been a few days since my last entry, but I can now report on my talk with the new horse, Lucky. The nasty cat beast snuck a peek in my diary and rudely informed me that the word is “rescue”, not RESKEW and then he demeaned my illustrious ancestors. Foul animal, I hope an owl gets him.

Lucky was turned out with us two days after he arrived. He was put in with Shorty and me, in a smaller paddock, to make sure he would not get hurt. He was already looking so much better than when he came in. Good, regular food, even in smaller amounts, can make an animal look brighter . We all trotted around when first turned out, and Shorty and Lucky both rolled, but I didn’t want to ruin my nice brush job, so I cantered around a few times, chasing my shadow. Then we grazed for a while. I was amazed that even though Lucky’s ribs are visible he grazed slowly and very gentlehorsely. He is a nice addition to the herd.

Finally we all settled under a shade tree and he told us the rest of his story. Seems Lucky is actually a well bred animal. He came from a mid sized breeder that had nice mares and property. His sire was a horse that lived many states away and had a large stud fee. Lucky has never met his sire, but heard him referred to several times as an “improvement sire”. Lucky left his first home when he was two and was set to training a young female human. He said they worked together for several years, even winning in shows, and then she had to go to some place called “college” and could not remain with him.

Lucky’s next human was the start of his problems. She was not as good a rider, she didn’t understand a horse’s needs and by ignoring them she created problems that intimidated her. Lucky told me he worked with several different humans trainers, but none of them could get his personal human to work correctly. He ended up not being ridden, rarely visited and then finally sold to another human.

This next human was a nightpeople for poor Lucky. He was beaten for being spirited, had severe bits used and was often worked until he was exhausted. He lost weight and got moody and fearful. He was horrified to find himself dumped at an AUCTION! Oh I shuddered at the word. AUCTIONS are what our dams used to frighten us with when we were bad little foals! AUCTIONS are the end of the trail for so many horses! Those of us raised by, and partnered with, resposible people really have no concept of how terrible they are, but we guess and shiver.

Lucky told us about the AUCTION ( sorry I can’t help imagining it like that. Like FIRE! It is such a fearful word!) He was put in a small muddy pen with other sad horses. Some were skinny and had cuts and scars. Some were in better condition, but nervous and worried about their futures. Several horses in the pen next to his were clearly horsterical. He said you could tell they had not been around humans much. They were panicked from being hauled in the wheeled caves. Several wore halters, dragging ropes, which were caked in mud and manure. When it came time to visit the ring of horsehell they were chased through a runway and then galloped around madly in the ring, the ropes slapping their legs and sides. Lucky choked up and Shorty and I scratched his withers while he recollected himself. He dropped his head when he told us that all of the frightened horses ended up in the big double decker wheeled cave. We knew what that meant!

Lucky was finally led out of there by a “cowboy” looking fellow that he referred to as a “DEELER”. He made this human sound so evil and so scary. Shorty couldn’t even nibble on leaves any more; he was so shocked at the thought of Lucky’s life. I am so blessed with my human that I have nothing but sympathy for others that do not have the same life I do! I need to switch leads again back to Lucky’s story.

Lucky went home with the “DEELER” and was immediately made miserable. He lived in a small pen with several other horses, including some with injuries. The injuries were ignored for the most part, unless they were easily treatable with yellow spray. Horses were often dragged out and hosed off to be shown to humans. They were then lunged until they could barely move, so they would look gentle, and then put away sweaty and sore. I felt my skin just shivering at his words, like flies were crawling all over me. Thankfully he finished rather quickly.

The “DEELER” finally ran out of feed and the horses were starved. Several died, including a few mares and colts. Finally things got so bad that the “SHERIFT” showed up and shut the “DEELER” down. Humans came in and started loading horses into wheeled caves to take away. Lucky feared he was going to have to load into a double decker, but none of those ever arrived. While waiting to be taken, the remaining horses were fed and watered, and had their injuries treated. Lucky left in the last group, they were the horses in the BEST condition. Shorty and I shivered for several minutes, recalling how he looked when he arrived. He was finally haltered by a tall human, that smelled of warm grass and molasses, and led into a wheeled cave. He wasn’t sure if his ride was going to be his last, but he was grateful that he had a few moments of kindness before loading. When he was unloaded here he said he almost collapsed with relief. He said the last few days have been like a refoaling and he hopes his new human will give him time to get better so he can show her how grateful he is. I am so happy he was rescued by his human and brought here. I know he will do well now. More later.

Meeting a RESKEW

2008-04-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

I had a very strange experience today. I met a horse that was a RESKEW. I’m not exactly sure what that is, and I was afraid to ask on so short an acquaintancship . He arrived today while we were all turned out. I was astounded when a thin, dirty horse was unloaded out of one of the wheeled caves and led into the barn.

Shorty and I trotted along the fence and were horrified at his condition. He was thin and matted, his hooves long and scaly. I felt just awful for him! He disappeared into the barn with one of my human’s companions so we didn’t see him again until we were brought in for feeding.

When we were stalled for the night I discovered he was in the stall next to me, where Trooper usually stays when he is not on the show circuit. Shorty is on the other side of me, and Pebbles is across the aisle. We all ate quietly, but I could tell the others were watching the new horse as much as I was. He looked somewhat better, having had a bath and his mane combed. I heard the humans talking about the farrier coming out to see him, as well as the sticker man. I shuddered in sympathy.

When we had all finished eating and the barn lights were turned out I politely introduced myself. He relayed to me that he wasn’t quite sure what his name was now, although the human that had brought him in had been calling him Lucky. He didn’t remember his old name because he was never called by anything. This set my whiskers to quivering with indignation. How could a human demean a horse so as to not recognize his name?

We talked for quite some time and oh the horrors he told me. He hadn’t had his feet done in over a year. He hadn’t seen the sticker man in longer than that. He was so thin and starved I didn’t ask when he had last had regular feed. I can’t imagine my darling human ever letting me do without! I’m sure she would sell her man-thing first before letting me suffer. It’s late, and I’ll relate more of his story tomorrow. Poor Lucky, I’m sure I’ll have nightpeoples after his story! More later.

The Immortal Bard: Hooflet

2008-03-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

Hooflet:
To be blunt, or not to be blunt: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler to ignore the stupidity of those that have no equine knowledge or to suffer the slings and arrows of their outrage when you point out they have the brain of a flea and no business owning a horse. Is it better to speak against a sea of misinformation, and by opposing opinion end them?

To die: to sleep, and experience nightmares of horse abuse; No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand unnatural things a horse is put through. 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. Let the stupid die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream of a day when all horse people will have to take a test before owning a breathing animal: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of stupidity what dreams may come?

When the horses have shuffled off this mortal coil, and ended a sad life riven with morons and disrespect. This must give us pause: where's the respect, what makes calamity of so long life? For who would bear the whips and spurs of time, the ignoramus's lack of feeding knowledge, or basic vet care, or that a farrier comes every six weeks. The pangs of neglected horses, the law's delay in rescuing them.

The insolence of "gurus", and the cult like followings they engender, stupidity masked as caring. That patient look of the worthy horse when he must tolerate a person with their head so far up their backside they see their own tonsils. The sadness when the horse himself resorts to blunt training measures to enforce upon the ignorant that certain things are not acceptable.

When a person, through laziness, a need to feel "special" or just plain stupidity buries their head in the sand (or manure pile) and refuses to acknowledge that as a horse owner they are a complete failure.

To breed, to breed, and over produce junk that will not sell even in third world countries where cooked spiders are considered a delicacy. Such is the goal of the unknowledgeable and profoundly stupid.

To qualify, neigh, to justify, that a "rare" color, bloodline, or conformational flaw makes a horse so special as to merit its reproduction. We've only to look at their own efforts at producing social baggage to understand why they feel their animals must do the same.

Is there hope? A shining knight in armor to protect our hoof'd friends? Does the ghost of Hi-yo Silver arise to lead them against a plague of idioicy? Neigh, neigh t'is not so. For in the end the only thing that will protect your horses from meeting such a fate is to NOT make any more, and to screen your buyers as if they were applying to the CIA. To do less is to bring about the regrettable fate of so many equines, at the hands of the blithely, and orgasmically ignorant, hordes.

Shakespur
Truer words were never spoken!

Spring is sprung

2008-03-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

I have simply been too busy to take pen in hoof and record my life's events. Show season is starting and I am schooling my human on her form. I see results that lead me to think we will have a good year. She has not brought the screaming arm waver person out again and I am glad, because she undoes all my hard work with her ranting. I can feel my human tense the moment the yelling starts.
The new filly has grown so much; she is simply the most adorable thing I've ever seen. I would want one for my own if I could figure out how you get them. Even Shorty is enamored of her and watches her over the fence for hours. Trooper has gone off on a southern show circuit and was in bad spirits when he left, I fear his human is not long for this partnership. More later

A warm day at last

2008-03-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

Such a warm day. I could feel the hair shedding every time I shook. Shorty and I had a pleasurable grooming session, more so for him I think. He's rather short and can only reach my shoulders, whereas I gave him a nice withers scratch. Ah well, groomers can't be choosers. My human was kind enough to brush me really well after we came in from turnout and for some reason she had several sneezing fits. I hope she isn't getting a cold, I know I hate getting my temperature taken when I feel ill. Trooper is in rather a bad mood. He pulled a hamstring sliding in the mud and is on stall rest for a few weeks. He's going to a complete grouch by the time he gets out. I noticed the barn workers driving the smoke beast around the arenas, raking up the dirt. They must be prepping them for spring riding. I hope we don't have a nasty windy Munch. Foaluary was already colder than expected. More later.

When all is right with the world

2008-02-28T19:57:00.000-08:00

I saw the most amazing thing today. One of the mares, her name is Daisy, had a foal. Today was the first time she was brought out to the paddock next to the one I was in. The little thing was absolutely fascinating! Trooper, Shorty and I ran up to the fence and called to Daisy, but she ignored us and stayed with her foal. What a small sweet thing she is: all legs and fuzzy gold hair. I was quite taken with her, although Trooper spooked several times when she would run about in circles. The little darling had a few falls, but it's quite evident she will be a graceful beauty when grown. After awhile she lay out in the sun and slept. Ah, a vision she was, like a little gold cloud brought to earth. If only I had the words of that immortal horse, Shakespur, to tell of her charm and beauty. More later.

Peace at Last!

2007-10-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

It has finally quieted down here. The foals called for three days and then gradually settled down. My nerves were shot. I seriously thought Shorty was going to go bald. The barn owner did try to help out by taking us out to our paddocks earlier and leaving us out longer. On the fourth day the foals were also allowed out in the big covered round pen. We could hear them calling and running about. Sad times, but all young horses must grow up and learn to fend for themselves. I remember when I was weaned and how shocked and hurt I felt at my mother leaving me. But I grew up and now I’m a stable individual indeed, no pun intended.
A new horse arrived in the barn yesterday. He was put in the end stall, which has an empty stall between it and Shorty's stall. We haven't spoken to him yet but we could see him as he was led past and he was shockingly thin. Trooper was curious enough to ask me if I knew what had happened, breaking his self imposed silent treatment of me. I had no idea. My human, and the other humans, all went to see the horse and pet him. We could hear them talking, but couldn’t get the real gist of the conversation, although we heard the word "rescue" quite a bit. I am curious, but also a bit afraid of what I might find out. Surely the poor thing is not ill or contagious or he wouldn't have been brought into the barn with the babies.
I noticed that the trees along the paddocks are turning yellow and orange, so fall is once more coming around. I hope the weather holds, as I would like to school my human more on her seat and leg cues. Shorty is going to a "team penning" tomorrow night, I have no idea what that entails, but he did mention cows, so it's best I don’t go too. Trooper will probably spend the winter in the south like he did last year. His imported human likes to show all year. Trooper better watch his human closely or he is going to find himself being traded for some hairy legged foreign horse. More Later.

Growing Pains!

2007-09-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am worn out and fuzzy eyed from lack of sleep. For some reason the barn owner decided that MY barn was the ideal place to wean the baby horses. She moved me, Trooper, Pebbles, Shorty, Frosty and Dill down to the south end of the barn and put the babies in the first 6 stalls nearest the office. All of the mares have been moved down to barn four. At first we thought they were just shifting us around to pull up mats and strip stalls, but during the afternoon the broodmares were brought in two at a time, lead into stalls with their babies and then quickly led out, leaving the two foals in the stall. The racket was unbelievable. Who knew that such small creatures could make so much noise, and for such a long period of time? By the end of the day there were twelve foals all crying their heads off and banging around the stalls. The noise level was unreal!

Poor Shorty spent the day with his head tucked in the corner, flinching and swishing his tail. By the time my human arrived I was fairly on edge myself. She must have seen that I was a wreck because she merely haltered me and then took me for a stroll away from the barns. It was nice to get out in the open and away from the noise. When we returned to the barn it was feeding time and the babies had quieted down somewhat. My human stayed with me while I ate and brushed me down. She is so well trained and considerate, truly a credit to her upbringing.

Shorty finally came out of his corner long enough to eat, but he still had a rather glassy look in his eyes. Trooper was his usually grumpy, but silent self. He has not been speaking to Shorty or me since the winged human incident and refuses to admit what a pompous oaf he is.

After feeding time my human left for the evening and the barn lights were turned down. Things remained fairly quiet for a while and then the first foal started his hollering again. This set all of them off and soon it was like they were being stuck with sharp sticks, their yells were so loud. The cat beast crept along the rafters until he was over the first foals' stall. He sat and watched them for a few moments and then hissed rather nastily and left the barn. As much as I despise the beast I do envy his freedom. Why is it that horses, obviously the smartest beings on the planet, must be contained, while other lesser beasts run free? It must be because our sheer intelligence would overwhelm the lesser creatures and give us unfair advantage. I can’t ponder the implications tonight; my ears ring with foal whinnies. More Later:

As if Llamas weren't bad enough!

2007-09-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

We returned from the show last weekend quite late in the afternoon. I was so tired I didn't speak to anyone, just ate my hay and went to sleep. My human was thoughtful enough to wipe the green glob stain from my face before we showed, so thoughts of it eating into my brain did not disturb my slumber.

Shorty, Trooper, Pebbles and I were turned out the next day in the north paddock. I must say that Trooper was rather a snot. He discounted all mention of my bravery, even when Shorty asserted that we could have all been killed had I not faced the monster down. He look down that long warmblood nose of his and said we were all sissies and the thing was no danger at all. Easy for him to say in a nice safe paddock with no monsters around for miles. Pebbles was so furious that he went off by himself to graze. He's always thought Trooper was a snob, especially after he got that imported human to ride him.

Shorty and I grazed side by side for awhile and talked about the show. He told me that he had several frightening moments when the little black boxes were pointed at him, but when he realized that he wasn't going to get sucked inside he finally relaxed. His human was pleased that Shorty placed well in the reining and trail classes. Just when we were about to doze Trooper came up and started getting all snooty with us again.

I listened to his nastiness long enough to get annoyed and was just about to turn and pop a kick into his chest when he suddenly went flying backwards, snorting up a storm. Shorty and I froze and then quickly looked around. I didn’t see anything, but Trooper was having absolute fits! He turned and bolted across the paddock and smacked into the fence, breaking the top rail. Shorty and I looked at each other, wondering what was bothering Trooper when suddenly a giant shadow passed over us.

We both looked up and almost fell over in fright! A giant multi colored bird was passing overhead, holding a human in its claws. Pebbles came galloping up and we watched the bird thing glide overhead. Trooper just went crazy. He galloped down the rail and then jumped out at the corner, bolting for the barn.

We all backed up a few steps and then another huge shadow passed over us and we saw another huge bird, holding a human, right above. Much to our amazement the humans started yelling to each other and the big birds circled around above us. While this was going on we could hear crashing and more yelling as Trooper ran about through the barns.

Pebbles spoke up and said that the birds weren't really big enough to hurt us, but we should still get out of the way, so we trotted over to the rail to stand and watch them circle. Shorty offered up the thought that maybe they were strange buzzards and had found the humans lying almost dead somewhere, but since we couldn’t smell any carrion odors we quickly dismissed this idea.
Soon the circles got smaller and slower and the bird things dropped closer to the ground. When they were just a few paddock lengths above us we could see that the winged things weren't birds, but some kind of floppy material. And the humans were held in with straps.

Right about the time the things touched down Trooper bolted past again. He made it almost even with the paddock gate when he saw the winged things landing. He shrieked in fear, spun out on the grass and took off again for the barn. The barn owner's Jack Rustle Rat Terror dog took off after him and yapped like a fiend. We watched this with no little amusement. As much as we hated the dog, we were glad to see Trooper getting his comeuppance.

We heard some clinking and turned around to see both winged things on the ground with their humans. I must admit that the big flappy wings were scary when at eye level, but since they stayed in the middle of the paddock we weren't frightened too much. One of the humans was soon out of his harness and walked over to the gate. The other one gather up the winged things and started working with them and soon had them folded up. By now we were interested and moved closer.

The first human disappeared and we heard him arguing with the barn owner, then the door of the office shutting. The second human carried the wings over to the fence and heaved them over. By now all the drama was gone and we had almost returned to grazing when Trooper's imported human drove up in that nasty foreign rattletrap he drives. He leaped out of the thing and bolted into the barn office. This was just too interesting to miss so we all cantered over to the fence to listen.

The office door slammed open and Trooper's human was yelling at the wing human and the barn owner. Our barn owner is quite the stout filly and she pushed him in his chest and said some things that had our ears burning. Shorty hid his head. Trooper's human screeched and shook his fist at the wing human and then stomped off to the barn. The barn manager said a few heated things to the wing human and he sounded very sorry and contrite when he replied. He also offered to pay for the fence Trooper broke. They spoke some more and then the wing human walked the road to where his companion waited. Shortly thereafter a van pulled in and they loaded their stuff and left.

Meanwhile Trooper had finally been cornered and caught. His human was shrieking in that strange language of his and giving the barn humans a hard time. When they led Trooper past he kept his head turned away from us and refused to look our way. Shorty was less polite than Pebbles and me and he whickered rather nastily. Trooper flinched but still never looked around.
I would hope that the next time I tell him about some death-ray-eyed, green-acid spitting monster he won't scoff and accuse me of being a sissy. At least I didn’t run from the plastic wing things. I do wonder what happened to the Rat Terror dog. He was absent the rest of the afternoon. Maybe if we pick up Trooper's feet we'll find him! It's too charming a thought. More Later.

Alien Camels from Mars

2007-09-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

Today was a rather strange day. We went to a show at a small county fair. Shorty, despite the fact he is still in disgrace, was brought along too. I rode over with Pebbles in the big metal leg scrambler and we were stalled in a barn that smelled rather strongly of cows. Pebbles complained about this until I told him to stuff a hoof in it.

Just before noon we were taken out and saddled up in preparation for our afternoon classes. After our humans were mounted we walked over to the smaller warm-up arena. The arena was very crowded. English and Western styles were being practiced, as well as some horses allowing their humans to ride around bareback, sloppily dressed and behaving with the worst show ring etiquette. I resolved that my human would behave more circumspectly in public and to this end I worked toward getting her to yield and focus.

A short time later one of the big pleasure classes was called and the warm up arena cleared out quite a bit. I was just getting my human into proper balance by working some big figure 8's when suddenly things exploded around us. Horses bolted past, their riders screaming and jerking on the reins. My rider shrieked, but I held firm and halted near the center of the arena. I could see that Pebbles had hit the rails in the corner and Shorty was squished in the middle of a large bunch of horses on the opposite end from the entry gate. I could feel my human's hands trembling on the reins and I resolved that I would not let her spook, I gently maneuvered around until I could see the entrance gate and then I froze in total fear.

A long necked shaggy creature was walking toward me from the gate. It had a stalk like neck that ended in a wedge shaped head. The eyes were huge and gave the impression that they could see in a complete circle around it. The fur was dense and shaggy with big splotches of red and white. It was smaller than a cow, but larger than a sheep. My human shrieked again and I backed a few steps. I could hear the horses and humans behind me bunching tighter and the splintering of the rails as the horses pressed against them. I know without looking that I was alone in the center of the arena with the alien creature. I desperately searched my brain for what it could be when I heard several humans start shouting words. CAMELLAMAGOATCIRCUS!
What in the name of Man O'War's hoof was a Camellama? Were they meat eating? I was determined to protect my human and I struck out with my forefoot and snorted. The Camellama stopped and stared at me, blinking its huge black eyes. I could feel my human tighten her legs and gently tug the reins. I ignored her, knowing that I alone stood between my friends and the Camellama's death ray eyes.

The creature stretched its long neck toward me. I could see its strange slit nostrils and long tubular ears coming closer. I must admit that my heart was racing and my legs trembled. I felt as if my hoofs were rooted to the ground. I just knew that if I turned my back to flee the thing would leap upon me and devour my human. Closer and closer the thing's face stretched toward mine. I drew in my neck as much as I could. Suddenly its head quickly came forward and its nose touched my own! I neighed and felt my rear end almost fall out from under me. Then the creature drew back its head and lifted its evil lips. The next thing I knew I had a wad of green alien goop on my forehead. I whinnied in fear, knowing that the goop would eat through to my brain. My human was by now shaking and I could feel her hands drop the reins. Before I was aware of it she was on the ground beside me, making huge sobbing noises. I wanted to comfort her and tell her I would willingly die for her again, but before I could shake the green goop from my forehead I heard shouting from the end of the arena. Two men ran in holding lead ropes and shaking a bucket. The Camellama turned its head at the sound and then casually walked over to the bucket. One of the men snapped a lead rope around its neck and then led it from the arena.

My human fell against me, still shaking and I wrapped my head around her in sympathy. My forehead wasn't burning from the green goop and I was hoping that maybe it wouldn't eat its way into my brain before I got to tell her goodbye. After a few minutes I realized that my human wasn't sobbing in fear. She was doing that braying thing that humans do when they think something is funny. In fact I could now hear other humans doing the same thing, mine almost collapsed with it. She actually bent over and started gasping. Pebbles came over and his human dismounted and helped my human up. They were both braying and had water on their faces.

I was rather annoyed as we walked back to the barn. My human did have the decency to clean the green alien goop from my forehead. It didn"t burn, but did smell like rotted grass. I heard the humans talking that the creature had gotten loose from a "petting zoo", whatever that is, and that is way it was loose on the grounds: Irresponsible to say the least.

I found myself mentally exhausted and merely plodded through the rest of the day, letting my human be my guide. This seemed to please her as we came home with several of those blue cloth strips that she likes to hang on the trailer and stall door. I was patted and praised a lot and several other humans offered me carrots for my bravery. We returned home late in the afternoon and I was very grateful to get back to my stall. Trooper will simply have to wait until tomorrow to hear about our encounter. I feel myself nodding off even as I write. I hope I don't have nightpeoples over this ordeal. More later.

The horse eating box part 2

2007-08-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

Shorty is in disgrace. I can remember last fall when we saw the horse eating box while getting our shoes reset. Poor thing has had terrible nightpeoples ever sense. He lives in fear of the horse eating box. He has been so worried about ending up in the box that he doesn’t sleep well. Yesterday his human, a rather dim specimen if I do say so myself, was riding him around the arena. His herd-mate, of rather the same ilk, was trying to point a small black box at them. While I've never really fathomed what the box does, I've had it pointed at me several times and never felt any pain, so it doesn’t hurt to stand and stare at it idiotically like the humans do. Shorty saw the black box and feared he would be sucked into it and then displayed on one of those small grey boxes like the Clydesdales were. He took off bucking and kicking and dumped his human, hard. I heard the thump when he hit the ground clear down in the barn. It took awhile to catch Shorty, he came in all out of breath and his human was limping and saying derogatory things about Shorty's ancestors. Shorty has remained in his stall, and while I commiserate with him, I can’t help being exasperated by his foolishness. Everyone knows you get into the grey box only if you’re as big as a Clydesdale. A horse Shorty’s size would be shrunk so small you couldn’t even see him. More later.

Hitting the groove

2007-08-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today was wonderful! My human was in excellent form and behaved beautifully. That natural humanship training I've been doing is paying off! We started off with a good warm up and I felt her yield and settle into a great rhythm. After several laps in both directions we cantered. She was so light and supple. I almost felt as if a bird sat on me. I really feel that we've hopped the ditch and she's coming around! Trooper was so jealous. I could see him watching from the far paddock and he gave me a nasty look as we went by. He is not at all happy with his imported human, but he wouldn't listen to me when I told him that "local" is better. Neigh, I'm just a simple horse without pretension, what would I know? More later.

The sticker man!

2007-08-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

The dreaded day snuck up on me without warning. The sticker man showed up today. First he stuck me, four times. I feel like the cat beast and I got into a fight and I lost. Then he stuck a tube of goop in my mouth and made me swallow it. Nasty stuff! I can still taste it. Then he gave me the stuff that makes me see big dancing carrots and stuck a thing in my mouth that rubbed my teeth and made my head vibrate. What is going through this human's mind? Was it torture a horse and get a free carrot day? And my human stood there and did nothing to defend me! Ungrateful creature. I'll show her the next time we go for a ride. Shorty and Pebbles had to go through the same thing, in fact most of the horses in the barn did. I'm not sure which is worse, going first, or waiting and knowing what's coming your way. Pebbles got the dancing carrot stuff before they even gave her the nasty goop. Some horses have all the luck. More later.

A pounding headache!

2007-08-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

The hoof pounder was here today. He reshod Shorty and me. Shorty gets easily bored and started jerking his leg before his first hind shoe was ready. By the time he was done the human was in a very bad mood. I decided to take the prudent route and not provoke him further and I must say I'm rather put out that Shorty had all the fun. My human was attentive and provided me with several treats for standing still, so all was not lost. My new shoes feel heavy but nice and balanced. Nothing like going for a good long trot and having your hoofs happy. I do wonder how humans stand to wear those funny shaped things on their feet? I once saw a barefoot human and she had these nasty short fingers on the end of her feet with red tips. Do they eat with those things? Or are they used for personal grooming? More later.

Horse Tales

2007-02-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

I am just completely dismayed. I was talking to Pebbles in the north paddock today and she told me a story I had told Kressa in strictest confidence. Now Kressa is old and grey and probably doesn't have all of her oats in one feeder, but I thought I could trust her and here she goes blabbing her muzzle all over the place. Of course Pebbles had no idea I was the horse Kressa was talking about, but I'll be sure not to let slip anymore hoofulls of information to that old nag. I think I have Pebbles convinced that Kressa is unreliable, as she is, but who knows where this tale will end up? More later.

2007-02-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

We went on a nice hack through the woods today. It is cold and snowy but the humans put on their inflated cow outfits and climbed aboard. Trooper even came along with that imported human of his and he was uptight the whole ride. Poor horse has his hooves in a knot. I told him he should stick to a nice domestic human but no, he couldn't listen and now he has his reins full. But I half-halt in my thoughts. The snow was deep and after we found a clear trail we cantered along as a group. It was wonderful, the fluffy stuff tickling our bellies. I thought Shorty was going to have a bucking fit he felt so good, the white smoke coming from his nose in feathers. Very enjoyable day. Hopefully the human won't take a chill. We returned to the barn and had nice warm bran mashes with our feed. Our blankets were also put on because more snow is expected tonight. What nice well trained humans we have. More Later.

Snowy Day

2007-01-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

The ground is covered in snow and the wind blows cold. We have been in the barn and indoor arena most of the week. Turn out has been limited because of the ice and the humans fear we will be injured from sliding. I'm glad I've trained mine to be so considerate. I've noticed a few of my stablemates aren't coping with the decreased turn out well, but better a stall than a broken leg. Some horses have been dressed by their humans in the padded cow outfits, but mine hasn't forced me to endure it. My hair is fluffy and warm. I feel days like this are perfect for taking pen in hoof and writing my story. The colts that come after me who read and learn from my experiences will have a much better life for knowing that humans were made to serve horses and if raised right they make admirable pets. More later

Winter ride

2007-01-15T12:44:00.000-08:00

It has been an interesting weekend. My human rode both days. She was completely covered by a bulky garment with things over her ears. She looked rather like a cow that had gone bipedal. It was chilly and I felt the urge to throw out my heels several times, but being the master of a gentle human I resisted. We trotted long easy stretches and had a wonderful canter through the forests. The trees seem so much more intense without their covering of leaves, less edible too. There was a light snow on the ground and it tickled my belly. My human had carrots for me after the ride. I take such pleasure on owning a well-trained individual. More later.

The Horse Eating Box

2006-10-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

Shorty and I got the scare of our lives today. We were both waiting for a turn with the hoof pounder while Pebbles was being done. Our humans were nearby and the hoof pounder was discussing something called foot ball with them. Soon he went to his truck and returned with a small grey box, which he set on the tail flap of the truck. He attached it to one of those orange wall snakes and then pushed a lot of buttons and wrenched on the thing's metal ears until they were pointed where he wanted them. Then the most amazing thing happened! Tiny humans were leaping about inside the box! Shorty and I were stunned. We could clearly hear them screaming and shouting and watched in horror as they leaped upon each other like savages.
Pebbles couldn't see it, since he was on the other side of the truck, but he heard our snorting and sat back just on principal. The hoofpounder was not pleased. He smacked Pebbles on the butt and returned to resetting his shoes. Pebbles kept giving us nervous looks and rolling his eyes, but there was no way we could describe what we were seeing.
Shorty and I remained frozen in fear when the most alarming thing yet happened. A human on the grey box was talking about time being halved when the picture suddenly changed and a team of Clydesdales pulling a wagon came into view. Shorty snorted in terror and sat back suddenly, jerking his owner off his feet. I was trembling in fear, but remained stationary. Horses were trapped in the grey box with the little savage people! How did they get there? What horrible thing did they do to deserve such punishment? The savage humans reappeared and seemed to go into fits whenever they approached this giant pitchfork. Our own humans also got excited and several times we had to step back to avoid being hit by their flailing arms. Shorty was so shaken he had to get the dancing carrot shot so he could get his shoes. I myself felt faint the rest of the day. There is no telling what horrors tomorrow will bring. More later.

The shame of it all

2006-07-18T14:03:00.000-07:00

My life has taken a new twist. My human has decided to expand her horizons and has started riding western. What have I done to deserve the humiliation? It was a new experience and I wanted to wipe the smug look off of Shorty's face as we walked around the ring; the day he shows up english I will have a major horse laugh! For now we are using my human's regular bridle but the instructor said it could be changed later. As if! I live in dread she will become enamored of those brightly colored nylon reins and saddle pads and shame me before my Dressage contemporaries. What if she roaches my mane? Oh the horror! More later

Annoying people

2006-05-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

Just when things had quieted down the screamer has appeared again. But worse he brought an old human with him who had a face like a jump course over ditches. I loathed them both. My human was made to work much too hard and the screamer conferred with the craggy face the whole time he was teaching my human. Can this shrill beast not see that my human is already the best and the fact I like her proves it? I wanted so badly to kick craggy face, well, in her face, but was afraid my hoof would get stuck and I wouldn't be able to pull it loose. I swear I could stick a hoof in one of her wrinkles and snap it off. I am so put out that she yelled at my human. She had no idea from the ground that my human felt comfortable and steady and I had no complaints. Interfering beast. I am just going to have to get my human boosted to the next level so she won't feel the intrusion of this strange creature necessary. Fortunately, since there were two of them, they didn't stay long and I was able to take my human on a trail ride and console her by showing her how wonderful she is. More later.

Some horses are too much!

2006-05-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

I am simply appalled! Today while in the turnout pasture a new horse was brought in. I had seen this fellow a few times during the week and he's stabled in the lower barn. Seemed a nice enough chap, if a bit spooky in the arena. His human is one of those "now, easy baby", types of rider, where every movement gets petting and sweet talk.
Well, his human brought him over to our paddock and let him loose and the cheeky devil had the nerve to pop a kick at me! I was so offended. Did this lout not know that I am a descendant of royalty? That my veins carry the blood of the desert horses and founding fathers of several breeds? No! This trumped up plow horse poked a hoof at me and then tried to crowd me into a corner. He then proceeded to chase Lula, the chestnut mare we all defer to, around the paddock. Well, she was very put out and finally kicked him in the knee and then turned back and bit him in the neck.
His human shrieked like a train whistle and ran out to rescue her darling. If I could have I would have retched something up, like the cat-beast does, while listening to this human baby talk her blundering fool of a horse. She removed him, now limping slightly and acting like he was the one being picked on, and we saw the vet's truck arrive later. I hope he got several sticks in the butt, it would serve him right. More Later.

Back to writing

2006-05-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I last made an entry. Many things have happened, not all of them good. I was quite depressed after getting some spring flu shots and also stuck a nail in my hoof. For these two things I was isolated from my friends and kept stall bound for quite some time. I was finally allowed out yesterday and was very pleased to see my friends up close again.
I have spoken with Shorty about the incidence that occurred awhile back and the poor grey pony. The little fat oaf had the audacity to laugh at me. Really laugh and then he wheezed and fell over and laughed some more. What can you expect from some back yard cowpony? He refused to explain and trotted off to tell the others, no doubt the reason I have been snickered at all week. However, I did see the grey pony from a distance. He seems quite recovered from his ordeal and in good spirits, but I've not gotten close enough to determine if he was wounded by his encounter with the monster.
The human's herd-mate, however, is still not well. His fall from the borrowed horse resulted in a broken nose and foreleg. My first thought, upon hearing about his nose, was that they would have to apply a cast to his face, however, he merely has a large bandage across his nose. An improvement to be sure. His foreleg is just recently out of its cast, which for some reason had been written all over by other hmans. Odd, and not very clear what this practice means. I heard him remark his riding days are over, no big loss, now if he'd only leave the bandage on his face. More later.

Pony eating monster!

2006-03-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

Oh my! I have never been so frightened in my life! We went out on a hack down the lower meadow trail; me, the human and her herd-mate, on a borrowed horse, poor thing. We were walking along and suddenly the fat grey pony from barn 2 appeared. This large wheeled monster closely followed him and it was trying to EAT HIM! I was frozen with fear, as it kept right on his tail, it had already captured his owner and was holding her in its pit of a stomach! She was missing from the waist down and hysterical with fear, she actually sounded like she was laughing, but I know better! The pony had these horrible black tentacles wrapped around him, some over his eyes and the poor thing couldn't get away. Well! The herd-mate's horse spooked and he fell off and I couldn't help myself I was spinning and trying to prevent the human from bolting. The human was not pleased but I was able to keep her on my back and after the pony eating beast passed she calmed down. Her herd-mate hobbled home and I led her, she was hard to quiet down and I feared she would run away a few times, so I circled her, trying to contain her! Back at the barn the humans settled down and we found the loose horse, he was shaking, poor thing. I haven't seen the pony again and hope whatever monster it was won't come into the barn area, I intend to sleep lightly! More later!

The screamer returns

2006-03-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

My human seems to have formed an attachment with the screamer. For some reason this odd male has been out several times and interrupted our rides. I find him tedious in the extreme and he always wants to do more than I do. Surprisingly, my human's herd-mate exhibits no jealousy toward the screamer, which I find odd. Most males don't like other males around their herd-mates. There is something strange here that I can't quite put my hoof on. I'm going along with my human for now, so I can study them closely, but I will eventually return to complete control. More later.

Who are these people?

2006-02-28T17:23:00.000-08:00

What a bizarre day. The human appeared with a new herd companion. A male who wore the white stretchy stuff usually reserved for the females of the species. He was also quite shrill, gangly and hyper. My human seemed excited to be with him and I was quickly saddled with little regard for my feelings on the matter. I was not at all pleased as I had planned on napping this afternoon. The male followed us to the warm up arena and proceeded to call things to my human for what seemed an eternity. How annoying! I could not get her attention and she kept using leg cues I did not want to respond to, in the end I did as she asked simply because I was too lazy to argue. But I feel I will regret giving in and that the male screamer will become a thorn in my side. More Later!

FREEDOM!

2006-02-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

Oh what a day! The human who cleans the barn, I think they refer to him as a stall boy, didn't latch my stall completely. I was able to get out by playing with the latch and what fun I had running about. I cantered through the mount up area and managed to upset Pebbles so he wouldn't behave for his human and I almost got to stomp the cat-beast as he was sunning himself. The foul wretch made it out of my way just in time, I'm sure I'll get a dead rodent in my feeder this week, but it was worth it. The barn dog, aptly named Goofy, soon joined in the fun, barking and chasing me, which gave me a good excuse to run faster and pretend I was too frightened to be caught. By the time the stall boy was able to lure me in with feed, or so I let him think, my human had arrived. I was way too hot and sweaty to ride, whicker, and she settled for walking me down and brushing me. What a wonderful day. More later.

Snow day!

2006-02-24T14:49:00.000-08:00

Winter is still here. It's quite chilly in the morning, one can hardly keep their hooves on the ground. The sheer delight of bucking and kicking through the white fluffy stuff is wonderful. My human has not blanketed me. Thank goodness. Some of the horses are wrapped up like they are going to a costume class. My human has visited me several times this week wearing puffy shiny clothes, I heard her refer to it as a skee suit, however, I'm not exactly sure what skeeing is. Perhaps something to do with spooking horses while dressed in puffy clothes. Trooper has gone south to a winter show circuit, good, better for the little fat cow chaser than me! More Later.

Our humans and their issues

2006-02-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

Spoke to Trooper today. He has finally come off his high human and decided to be friendly again. His imported human has had a bit of trouble lately staying on tempo and Trooper is getting annoyed. Shorty has also had a bad time, his human wants to do a new western sport involving cows and Shorty would rather not. I, on the other hoof, had a good week and feel my human is progressing nicely. More Later

Ho-Hum Day

2006-02-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

It rained this week. Spent some time in the pasture and some in the barn. Pebbles rolled and looked like a mud monster. I never knew a human could make so much noise until his human saw him. The cat-beast made the mistake of getting caught in the downpour outside my stall. Every time he tried to jump in my door I pushed him back over. He was quite annoyed, most enjoyably so. The human has indicated she intends to follow the spring show circuit, I was unaware she was planning on being owned by another horse, because surely she's not thinking I'm the one who is going to work all spring? More Later

Back to Work

2006-02-19T16:31:00.000-08:00

We have returned to work. My human seems quite refreshed and ready to listen. A good turn out has much benefit where they are concerned and can prevent them from getting sour. I am trying to teach her to yield and not feel so stiff on turns. Shorty has had a few problems with his human about this, but feels that it was bad handling as a child that created the problems he now faces. He has made progress and has managed to retrain several bad habits. Haven’t talked to Trooper lately, he’s been so snotty about his imported human no one can stand him. The cat-beast has been absent too, I wonder where? More Later.

Ask Tuffy 2

2006-02-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Tuffy,
I am at my wit’s end with my human. He constantly pulls the reins too hard and screams at me. I’ve tried to teach him to be gentle but he seems to think he’s some character called The Marlboro Man. He dresses like a canvas tent, wears a hat, even indoors, and is always sucking on a smoke stick.

Confused Cutting Horse

Dear Cutting Horse,

May I call you Cutting? Well, Cutting, I suggest you smoke this inconsiderate oaf right upside a tree. There is no excuse for rein jerking or shouting. Some humans simply can not be trained that louder isn’t better and force is just fear at the end of a rein. I recommend you start looking for another human now and ditch this one as quickly as possible.

Tuffy

Back from her trip

2006-02-16T10:34:00.000-08:00

My human has returned. Her herd mate arrived at the barn with her and seemed quite put out that she wanted to spend time with me. What a lout. As if he has first claim to her affections, had he a cognizant thought in his head he would realize that I am the alpha male and he is just a follower. Pebbles explained it fairly well the other day by saying the males of the humans were actually like horses in that they follow a lead mare and serve no purpose other than breeding, unless they are gelded and can then lead productive lives. Perhaps my human’s herd mate is not gelded; need I suggest it? More Later

2006-02-14T08:22:00.000-08:00

Well, just when you think you know a horse, he gets all stuck up. Trooper now has a new owner; a pale human with a funny voice. Trooper says he’s imported and therefore a better rider than our old American ones. Oh, like suddenly he’s the most continental thing on four legs! I don’t think so! Anyhow, he offended Shorty with a comment about weekend cowboys, and Pebbles has stopped scratching his withers for him at turnout. Serves the old beast right. I can’t wait till he gets miscued and crossfires around the ring! Trooper's old owner is lettingit be known around the barn that he's shopping for a more sensitive horse, with faster responses. When Trooper hears that he'll bite his shoes off. More later

Barn help

2006-02-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

My human as taken a trip. I'm not sure what this involves but she will be gone for a few days. I hope she is not planning on cheating on me with another horse. I am left at the mercy of the barn helpers and intend to take this time to study their herd behaviors and social interactions. Foremost I notice they have, as a rule, unshaved whiskers, perhaps the better search for the manure in the shavings? They also seem the wear the same blue colored cloth covering their legs, there appears to be pouches on the back with strange white circles on them. Is this some kind of brand for identification in case they leave home? Is there a need to tag and sort barn helpers? What is their value on the black market? Another thing I notice is the universal headcovering comprised of a close fitting cloth bowl with a stiff bill in the front. These come in different colors, but from all appearances are more or less permanently attached to the individual's head, as I never see them removed. Some carry strange symbols which I heard referred to as a Team Logo. What do these symbols mean? Are they are grading system? What's a logo? More Later.

Trooper's quest for a new human

2006-02-10T09:55:00.000-08:00

I have been watching Trooper’s trials with interest. Having to try so many riders before he finds one that fits. What a chore! Having to pick from the best of the worst. The screechy ones annoy me most. On a good note, Trooper isn’t much for apples and I have garnered several with sad eyes and charming nickers. These humans are SO easy to bribe. I await Trooper’s final decision with interest. Thankfully my human has worked out well and she has been easy to train. Of course one would hope for a Grand Prix level rider, but maybe someday. More later

Weekend show

2006-02-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

Went to a show this past weekend. What a chore! Personally, my human was the best turned out and the judge was blind and stupid too. How could he place that rumpled slob on the grey? His boots were so dirty and he lint all over his coat. My human has such nice calves and trim figure, she deserved a ribbon for presentation. Of course the big name horses could go in the arena dragging a dead body and still place. Darn politics. Blow one lead and your human pays for it by getting shunned in the line up.
I can't believe that stupid judge didn't mark my human higher for being able to stay put when the paper blew across the arena and I spooked. I was really frightened to death, but she stayed on. What was he thinking? She is a much better rider than the horse whose human just sat there and didn't do anything while the horse plodded along, acting like that piece of paper wasn't any big deal. I am so frustrated. More later.

Going to a show

2006-02-03T08:02:00.000-08:00

Had a bath today. What is it about humans that they can’t stand to have water on their faces? One little shake produces screeching and jumping. You’d think she’d be desensitized by now. I have tried to get my human to accept water but she still shies away from it. It's not like she's going to melt or something. I’ll ask Shorty what is the best method for teaching them to stand, his human seems reasonably well trained around water. I also got a whisker and ear trim. I hate those clipper things, but I have to admit I look very handsome and sophisticated when trimmed up. As long as she doesn't start trying to clip designs in my coat I'll tolerate it. More Later

Trading in your human

2006-02-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

Trooper, the big Hanoverian, has finally had it with his human and is trading him in. The poor incompetent thing can't ride the fences and keeps refusing to ride a jump correctly. I don't blame Trooper a bit, a timid jumper is dangerous. I'm just glad my human isn't such a drub. Shorty said he had to go through three humans before he found one that was worth keeping. Gives you the cold chills to think about it. I thank my lucky stars mine is above average and not some human that has to have a lot of retraining. No one needs a project person, when all they want to do is have a nice relaxing ride. More later.

Ask Tuffy

2006-01-31T11:28:00.000-08:00

Seems like the horses at the barn are sneaking out and reading my blog. We need to be careful or the caretaker is going to start getting suspicious of hoofmarks on the office door. I feel it is my duty to help these poor creatures who are begging for advice.

Dear Tuffy,

I just read about Pebble's mane and had to share my own experience. My human recently clipped a BIG heart onto my shoulder. I’m embarrassed to be seen and the other geldings in the pasture tease me and call me Pretty Boy. What can I do until it grows out?

Ashamed Arab

Dear Ashamed,
The first thing you MUST do is remove those clippers from the land of the working appliances. I suggest a quick set back as your ears are being clipped to effectively throw them across the barn where they will hopefully shatter after hitting the floor. Pray that your human will be not be able to replace them any time soon. As for your current dilemma, well not much can be done but camouflage. Find a mud hole and roll every chance you get to keep the offending design covered. And pin your ears back and use some hoof if the comments get too rude. You don’t want the other geldings to think you’re a silly filly do you?

Tuffy

Vet's visit and exercise

2006-01-31T10:12:00.000-08:00

Talked with Pebbles today. He's the big bay pinto gelding at the end of the barn. What was his human thinking with that mane style? I'd dump her for it. It looks like she gnawed it short with her teeth, but he swears she did it with some scissors and something called a thinning comb. Nasty piece of work if you ask me.
The vet stopped in for his weekly barn visit and said I was too fat! The short balding monkey should tend to his own business and keep his opinions about superior beings to himself! Better practice my sad "feed me, please" looks.
My human took me out for a ride afterwards and must have thought that she'd start taking the vet's advice to exercise me more today. We worked on circles and half halts, makeup your mind person do you want to stop or not? There is a show this weekend, so I know she'll be riding every day and making me repeat the same boring stuff over and over. Oh well, I need to work on my show manners, and practice screwing up only when the judge is looking. I'm sure I can find something new to spook at if I look hard enough. More later.

2006-01-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

The human brought her herd mate out today. Pity they don’t practice culling on themselves. Got saddled up for the mandatory “ Honey I want to share your interests ride” What an oaf. I thought my girth was going to cut me in two when he pulled himself up. He’s lucky I’m a well-mannered individual, anyone else would have dumped him. Walked around on the leadline like the world's largest shetland pony and tolerated his wobbling back and forth. Thank goodness he never pulled the reins in order to stay upright, my jaw would have broken. My human was nice and petted me while walking next to me, I think she was grateful that I behaved well. Received a lot of sympathetic looks from the new filly two stalls down so it was worth it. There could be a good mutual groom session in my future, Wink! Wink! More later.

At the barn today

2006-01-28T12:53:00.000-08:00

The disgusting cat-beast was in my feeder again. Worse he was CLEANING himself with his tongue, (how barbaric!), will they ever evolve enough to allow humans to do such menial labor for them? I think not. Yesterday he was eating a rodent and was rude enough to drag it through my hay. I was beyond grossed out. He thinks he's so smart because he can jump in and out of my stall while I remain penned up. One day he's going to be imprinted with my hoof on his smirking face. Even worse my human seems to adore the little monster and pets him every time she visits. Then she touches me without washing her hands! It's enough to make a good horse whicker in shame. The flightless bird things, I think they're called Chickians, are almost, but not quite as bad as the cat-beast about getting in my feeder. They do have the redeeming quality of disliking the cat-beast as much as I do and frequently chase him out of the barn. More later

2006-01-27T08:03:00.000-08:00

I have spent the day in the pasture watching the humans from afar. They insist on covering themselves no matter what weather and right now look like big bulky broodmares. The weather is cold, so this added bulk must be for warmth. They also cut their manes in bizarre and sometimes downright ugly patterns. I have seen no evidence of tails and pity their inability to swat flies. My human has engaged in grooming behavior but will not allow me to reciprocate. How does she get her withers scratched if she won't let someone nibble her back? Some of their ideas about adornment are strange. I dread the thought of having the metal pins ( some of them sport 6 or 7 at a time) put through my ears and wonder if perhaps it is limited to their culture and not inflicted on visitors. More later.

The first few days

2006-01-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

My humans have shown limited cognizant abilities. Earpinning results in backing away, foot shifting can clear the aisle. I have taught them to go back to the barn and get food by walking away when they approach me while carrying a rope or halter.
They seem to have no interest in my oats, but will eat the carrots which are supposed to be my treat, sometimes biting from them first before offering them to me, which grosses me out.
I have touched noses with a few of my stablemates and feel they are suitably impressed with my snorting and pawing ability.
Tomorrow the farrier is due so I must rest for my morning of shifting my weight and tugging my hoof out of his paws. More later

The Horse Diary

2006-01-25T14:24:00.000-08:00

I have recently left the home I have known all my life and now embark on the adventure of owning my own human. I was fortunate to find a nice female with a great deal of training and a pleasant appearance. She is tall and I believe about 35 in human years, but I haven’t looked in her mouth to be sure. My new human and I have set up barn keeping at a rather large stable. There are various disciplines taught here and quite a variety of horses and their humans. I will miss my old humans, but as they say, it was time for me to leave the stall and seek greener pastures. I will record my experiences for future reference. More later.