Dear Tuffy

Catching up on my mail, I am such a slacker horse sometimes!

Dear Tuffy,
I am a young stallion (going on 5 next spring), my human has been with me since birth. My human has always "tried" to teach me good from naughty but I find it is fun being naughty.
My human trusts me very much so I take advantage of it. When we ride in the round ring I will do almost everything my human asks but have to mix it up some to go back to easy stuff.
It is most funny when my human takes me out of the round ring to ride. I see my girls and act naughty. Well my human gets upset with me and back into the round ring we go.
It truly is a fun mind game I like to play with my human. When at shows, I have to nicker to myself because allot of the humans come to my human in disbelief that I am a stallion and would you believe they all have to look under to make sure ha ha. My human tells me "why can't you act so good most of the time". Well I fear for my stallion hood. I think my human is thinking of taking it away from me. I want to fix it but it has become such a part of my life I am not sure how to correct it. I WANT MY STALLION HOOD!
My human has also sent me to a few different trainers. That is pretty funny too. I do so good then get to come home to the same old games.
Any advise would be great.

Wanting to remain intact.

Dear Wanting

My suggestion is that you straighten up immediately or the sticker man will appear and you are one jab in the neck away from losing your matching foal makers. You'll just have to trust me on this one, I've been there.
I'd recommend that your human get a nerf bat and establish very clearly what constitutes her space and what is your space. While I appreciate the superiority of the horse over the human, I have to acknowledge that their ability to work the clicky ear things and summon the sticker man far exceeds our abilities to get away. Yield now, or you'll be yielding up something else later.


Tuffy


Dear Tuffy,

I finally quit my harness racing job last summer and got myself a hobby-type job. I'd had this hobby for about three years and decided at twelve, it was time to make it more than a hobby. I am now a full-time riding horse. I teach riding lessons, and sometimes get to do fun things like horse shows and trail rides with small children! I currently share my human with four other horses. It's not that bad considering I have never had a human I could call mine. I used to be way too busy with work at the track to have my own human. They require so much attention! This human caught my eye eight years ago when she actually followed my demands for treats and neck scratches, but didn't become mine until a year ago. I'm telling you all this because I really haven't had my own human before, and I need some advice. My human likes to kiss all of the horses noses, which we usually just tolerate, it's her way of showing affection. For the past two weeks, when my human kisses my nose I try hard not to cringe. My human has had horrible breath! None of the other horses know what to do. How do I let her know without making her angry with me?

~Prime



Dear Prime,
Congratulations on getting your very own human!
I suggest you eat some manure, as the rest of us on occasion do, and remind her why human lips need to stay away from horse lips. Kissing as a method of equine affection is limiting. So unless she wants to scratch your withers with her teeth she needs to keep her mouth away from you.
Or, a good dose of horse snot, right as she is puckering up, is guaranteed to keep her face away from your face, it's even better if she's wearing a white shirt.

Tuffy