Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Horse Eating Box

Shorty and I got the scare of our lives today. We were both waiting for a turn with the hoof pounder while Pebbles was being done. Our humans were nearby and the hoof pounder was discussing something called foot ball with them. Soon he went to his truck and returned with a small grey box, which he set on the tail flap of the truck. He attached it to one of those orange wall snakes and then pushed a lot of buttons and wrenched on the thing's metal ears until they were pointed where he wanted them. Then the most amazing thing happened! Tiny humans were leaping about inside the box! Shorty and I were stunned. We could clearly hear them screaming and shouting and watched in horror as they leaped upon each other like savages.
Pebbles couldn't see it, since he was on the other side of the truck, but he heard our snorting and sat back just on principal. The hoofpounder was not pleased. He smacked Pebbles on the butt and returned to resetting his shoes. Pebbles kept giving us nervous looks and rolling his eyes, but there was no way we could describe what we were seeing.
Shorty and I remained frozen in fear when the most alarming thing yet happened. A human on the grey box was talking about time being halved when the picture suddenly changed and a team of Clydesdales pulling a wagon came into view. Shorty snorted in terror and sat back suddenly, jerking his owner off his feet. I was trembling in fear, but remained stationary. Horses were trapped in the grey box with the little savage people! How did they get there? What horrible thing did they do to deserve such punishment? The savage humans reappeared and seemed to go into fits whenever they approached this giant pitchfork. Our own humans also got excited and several times we had to step back to avoid being hit by their flailing arms. Shorty was so shaken he had to get the dancing carrot shot so he could get his shoes. I myself felt faint the rest of the day. There is no telling what horrors tomorrow will bring. More later.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The shame of it all

My life has taken a new twist. My human has decided to expand her horizons and has started riding western. What have I done to deserve the humiliation? It was a new experience and I wanted to wipe the smug look off of Shorty's face as we walked around the ring; the day he shows up english I will have a major horse laugh! For now we are using my human's regular bridle but the instructor said it could be changed later. As if! I live in dread she will become enamored of those brightly colored nylon reins and saddle pads and shame me before my Dressage contemporaries. What if she roaches my mane? Oh the horror! More later

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Annoying people

Just when things had quieted down the screamer has appeared again. But worse he brought an old human with him who had a face like a jump course over ditches. I loathed them both. My human was made to work much too hard and the screamer conferred with the craggy face the whole time he was teaching my human. Can this shrill beast not see that my human is already the best and the fact I like her proves it? I wanted so badly to kick craggy face, well, in her face, but was afraid my hoof would get stuck and I wouldn't be able to pull it loose. I swear I could stick a hoof in one of her wrinkles and snap it off. I am so put out that she yelled at my human. She had no idea from the ground that my human felt comfortable and steady and I had no complaints. Interfering beast. I am just going to have to get my human boosted to the next level so she won't feel the intrusion of this strange creature necessary. Fortunately, since there were two of them, they didn't stay long and I was able to take my human on a trail ride and console her by showing her how wonderful she is. More later.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Some horses are too much!

I am simply appalled! Today while in the turnout pasture a new horse was brought in. I had seen this fellow a few times during the week and he's stabled in the lower barn. Seemed a nice enough chap, if a bit spooky in the arena. His human is one of those "now, easy baby", types of rider, where every movement gets petting and sweet talk.
Well, his human brought him over to our paddock and let him loose and the cheeky devil had the nerve to pop a kick at me! I was so offended. Did this lout not know that I am a descendant of royalty? That my veins carry the blood of the desert horses and founding fathers of several breeds? No! This trumped up plow horse poked a hoof at me and then tried to crowd me into a corner. He then proceeded to chase Lula, the chestnut mare we all defer to, around the paddock. Well, she was very put out and finally kicked him in the knee and then turned back and bit him in the neck.
His human shrieked like a train whistle and ran out to rescue her darling. If I could have I would have retched something up, like the cat-beast does, while listening to this human baby talk her blundering fool of a horse. She removed him, now limping slightly and acting like he was the one being picked on, and we saw the vet's truck arrive later. I hope he got several sticks in the butt, it would serve him right. More Later.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Back to writing

It has been awhile since I last made an entry. Many things have happened, not all of them good. I was quite depressed after getting some spring flu shots and also stuck a nail in my hoof. For these two things I was isolated from my friends and kept stall bound for quite some time. I was finally allowed out yesterday and was very pleased to see my friends up close again.
I have spoken with Shorty about the incidence that occurred awhile back and the poor grey pony. The little fat oaf had the audacity to laugh at me. Really laugh and then he wheezed and fell over and laughed some more. What can you expect from some back yard cowpony? He refused to explain and trotted off to tell the others, no doubt the reason I have been snickered at all week. However, I did see the grey pony from a distance. He seems quite recovered from his ordeal and in good spirits, but I've not gotten close enough to determine if he was wounded by his encounter with the monster.
The human's herd-mate, however, is still not well. His fall from the borrowed horse resulted in a broken nose and foreleg. My first thought, upon hearing about his nose, was that they would have to apply a cast to his face, however, he merely has a large bandage across his nose. An improvement to be sure. His foreleg is just recently out of its cast, which for some reason had been written all over by other hmans. Odd, and not very clear what this practice means. I heard him remark his riding days are over, no big loss, now if he'd only leave the bandage on his face. More later.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Pony eating monster!

Oh my! I have never been so frightened in my life! We went out on a hack down the lower meadow trail; me, the human and her herd-mate, on a borrowed horse, poor thing. We were walking along and suddenly the fat grey pony from barn 2 appeared. This large wheeled monster closely followed him and it was trying to EAT HIM! I was frozen with fear, as it kept right on his tail, it had already captured his owner and was holding her in its pit of a stomach! She was missing from the waist down and hysterical with fear, she actually sounded like she was laughing, but I know better! The pony had these horrible black tentacles wrapped around him, some over his eyes and the poor thing couldn't get away. Well! The herd-mate's horse spooked and he fell off and I couldn't help myself I was spinning and trying to prevent the human from bolting. The human was not pleased but I was able to keep her on my back and after the pony eating beast passed she calmed down. Her herd-mate hobbled home and I led her, she was hard to quiet down and I feared she would run away a few times, so I circled her, trying to contain her! Back at the barn the humans settled down and we found the loose horse, he was shaking, poor thing. I haven't seen the pony again and hope whatever monster it was won't come into the barn area, I intend to sleep lightly! More later!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The screamer returns

My human seems to have formed an attachment with the screamer. For some reason this odd male has been out several times and interrupted our rides. I find him tedious in the extreme and he always wants to do more than I do. Surprisingly, my human's herd-mate exhibits no jealousy toward the screamer, which I find odd. Most males don't like other males around their herd-mates. There is something strange here that I can't quite put my hoof on. I'm going along with my human for now, so I can study them closely, but I will eventually return to complete control. More later.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Who are these people?

What a bizarre day. The human appeared with a new herd companion. A male who wore the white stretchy stuff usually reserved for the females of the species. He was also quite shrill, gangly and hyper. My human seemed excited to be with him and I was quickly saddled with little regard for my feelings on the matter. I was not at all pleased as I had planned on napping this afternoon. The male followed us to the warm up arena and proceeded to call things to my human for what seemed an eternity. How annoying! I could not get her attention and she kept using leg cues I did not want to respond to, in the end I did as she asked simply because I was too lazy to argue. But I feel I will regret giving in and that the male screamer will become a thorn in my side. More Later!

Monday, February 27, 2006


Oh what a day! The human who cleans the barn, I think they refer to him as a stall boy, didn't latch my stall completely. I was able to get out by playing with the latch and what fun I had running about. I cantered through the mount up area and managed to upset Pebbles so he wouldn't behave for his human and I almost got to stomp the cat-beast as he was sunning himself. The foul wretch made it out of my way just in time, I'm sure I'll get a dead rodent in my feeder this week, but it was worth it. The barn dog, aptly named Goofy, soon joined in the fun, barking and chasing me, which gave me a good excuse to run faster and pretend I was too frightened to be caught. By the time the stall boy was able to lure me in with feed, or so I let him think, my human had arrived. I was way too hot and sweaty to ride, whicker, and she settled for walking me down and brushing me. What a wonderful day. More later.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Snow day!

Winter is still here. It's quite chilly in the morning, one can hardly keep their hooves on the ground. The sheer delight of bucking and kicking through the white fluffy stuff is wonderful. My human has not blanketed me. Thank goodness. Some of the horses are wrapped up like they are going to a costume class. My human has visited me several times this week wearing puffy shiny clothes, I heard her refer to it as a skee suit, however, I'm not exactly sure what skeeing is. Perhaps something to do with spooking horses while dressed in puffy clothes. Trooper has gone south to a winter show circuit, good, better for the little fat cow chaser than me! More Later.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Our humans and their issues

Spoke to Trooper today. He has finally come off his high human and decided to be friendly again. His imported human has had a bit of trouble lately staying on tempo and Trooper is getting annoyed. Shorty has also had a bad time, his human wants to do a new western sport involving cows and Shorty would rather not. I, on the other hoof, had a good week and feel my human is progressing nicely. More Later

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Ho-Hum Day

It rained this week. Spent some time in the pasture and some in the barn. Pebbles rolled and looked like a mud monster. I never knew a human could make so much noise until his human saw him. The cat-beast made the mistake of getting caught in the downpour outside my stall. Every time he tried to jump in my door I pushed him back over. He was quite annoyed, most enjoyably so. The human has indicated she intends to follow the spring show circuit, I was unaware she was planning on being owned by another horse, because surely she's not thinking I'm the one who is going to work all spring? More Later

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Back to Work

We have returned to work. My human seems quite refreshed and ready to listen. A good turn out has much benefit where they are concerned and can prevent them from getting sour. I am trying to teach her to yield and not feel so stiff on turns. Shorty has had a few problems with his human about this, but feels that it was bad handling as a child that created the problems he now faces. He has made progress and has managed to retrain several bad habits. Haven’t talked to Trooper lately, he’s been so snotty about his imported human no one can stand him. The cat-beast has been absent too, I wonder where? More Later.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ask Tuffy 2

Dear Tuffy,
I am at my wit’s end with my human. He constantly pulls the reins too hard and screams at me. I’ve tried to teach him to be gentle but he seems to think he’s some character called The Marlboro Man. He dresses like a canvas tent, wears a hat, even indoors, and is always sucking on a smoke stick.

Confused Cutting Horse

Dear Cutting Horse,

May I call you Cutting? Well, Cutting, I suggest you smoke this inconsiderate oaf right upside a tree. There is no excuse for rein jerking or shouting. Some humans simply can not be trained that louder isn’t better and force is just fear at the end of a rein. I recommend you start looking for another human now and ditch this one as quickly as possible.


Back from her trip

My human has returned. Her herd mate arrived at the barn with her and seemed quite put out that she wanted to spend time with me. What a lout. As if he has first claim to her affections, had he a cognizant thought in his head he would realize that I am the alpha male and he is just a follower. Pebbles explained it fairly well the other day by saying the males of the humans were actually like horses in that they follow a lead mare and serve no purpose other than breeding, unless they are gelded and can then lead productive lives. Perhaps my human’s herd mate is not gelded; need I suggest it? More Later

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Well, just when you think you know a horse, he gets all stuck up. Trooper now has a new owner; a pale human with a funny voice. Trooper says he’s imported and therefore a better rider than our old American ones. Oh, like suddenly he’s the most continental thing on four legs! I don’t think so! Anyhow, he offended Shorty with a comment about weekend cowboys, and Pebbles has stopped scratching his withers for him at turnout. Serves the old beast right. I can’t wait till he gets miscued and crossfires around the ring! Trooper's old owner is lettingit be known around the barn that he's shopping for a more sensitive horse, with faster responses. When Trooper hears that he'll bite his shoes off. More later

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Barn help

My human as taken a trip. I'm not sure what this involves but she will be gone for a few days. I hope she is not planning on cheating on me with another horse. I am left at the mercy of the barn helpers and intend to take this time to study their herd behaviors and social interactions. Foremost I notice they have, as a rule, unshaved whiskers, perhaps the better search for the manure in the shavings? They also seem the wear the same blue colored cloth covering their legs, there appears to be pouches on the back with strange white circles on them. Is this some kind of brand for identification in case they leave home? Is there a need to tag and sort barn helpers? What is their value on the black market? Another thing I notice is the universal headcovering comprised of a close fitting cloth bowl with a stiff bill in the front. These come in different colors, but from all appearances are more or less permanently attached to the individual's head, as I never see them removed. Some carry strange symbols which I heard referred to as a Team Logo. What do these symbols mean? Are they are grading system? What's a logo? More Later.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Trooper's quest for a new human

I have been watching Trooper’s trials with interest. Having to try so many riders before he finds one that fits. What a chore! Having to pick from the best of the worst. The screechy ones annoy me most. On a good note, Trooper isn’t much for apples and I have garnered several with sad eyes and charming nickers. These humans are SO easy to bribe. I await Trooper’s final decision with interest. Thankfully my human has worked out well and she has been easy to train. Of course one would hope for a Grand Prix level rider, but maybe someday. More later

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Weekend show

Went to a show this past weekend. What a chore! Personally, my human was the best turned out and the judge was blind and stupid too. How could he place that rumpled slob on the grey? His boots were so dirty and he lint all over his coat. My human has such nice calves and trim figure, she deserved a ribbon for presentation. Of course the big name horses could go in the arena dragging a dead body and still place. Darn politics. Blow one lead and your human pays for it by getting shunned in the line up.
I can't believe that stupid judge didn't mark my human higher for being able to stay put when the paper blew across the arena and I spooked. I was really frightened to death, but she stayed on. What was he thinking? She is a much better rider than the horse whose human just sat there and didn't do anything while the horse plodded along, acting like that piece of paper wasn't any big deal. I am so frustrated. More later.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Going to a show

Had a bath today. What is it about humans that they can’t stand to have water on their faces? One little shake produces screeching and jumping. You’d think she’d be desensitized by now. I have tried to get my human to accept water but she still shies away from it. It's not like she's going to melt or something. I’ll ask Shorty what is the best method for teaching them to stand, his human seems reasonably well trained around water. I also got a whisker and ear trim. I hate those clipper things, but I have to admit I look very handsome and sophisticated when trimmed up. As long as she doesn't start trying to clip designs in my coat I'll tolerate it. More Later

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Trading in your human

Trooper, the big Hanoverian, has finally had it with his human and is trading him in. The poor incompetent thing can't ride the fences and keeps refusing to ride a jump correctly. I don't blame Trooper a bit, a timid jumper is dangerous. I'm just glad my human isn't such a drub. Shorty said he had to go through three humans before he found one that was worth keeping. Gives you the cold chills to think about it. I thank my lucky stars mine is above average and not some human that has to have a lot of retraining. No one needs a project person, when all they want to do is have a nice relaxing ride. More later.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ask Tuffy

Seems like the horses at the barn are sneaking out and reading my blog. We need to be careful or the caretaker is going to start getting suspicious of hoofmarks on the office door. I feel it is my duty to help these poor creatures who are begging for advice.

Dear Tuffy,

I just read about Pebble's mane and had to share my own experience. My human recently clipped a BIG heart onto my shoulder. I’m embarrassed to be seen and the other geldings in the pasture tease me and call me Pretty Boy. What can I do until it grows out?

Ashamed Arab

Dear Ashamed,
The first thing you MUST do is remove those clippers from the land of the working appliances. I suggest a quick set back as your ears are being clipped to effectively throw them across the barn where they will hopefully shatter after hitting the floor. Pray that your human will be not be able to replace them any time soon. As for your current dilemma, well not much can be done but camouflage. Find a mud hole and roll every chance you get to keep the offending design covered. And pin your ears back and use some hoof if the comments get too rude. You don’t want the other geldings to think you’re a silly filly do you?


Vet's visit and exercise

Talked with Pebbles today. He's the big bay pinto gelding at the end of the barn. What was his human thinking with that mane style? I'd dump her for it. It looks like she gnawed it short with her teeth, but he swears she did it with some scissors and something called a thinning comb. Nasty piece of work if you ask me.
The vet stopped in for his weekly barn visit and said I was too fat! The short balding monkey should tend to his own business and keep his opinions about superior beings to himself! Better practice my sad "feed me, please" looks.
My human took me out for a ride afterwards and must have thought that she'd start taking the vet's advice to exercise me more today. We worked on circles and half halts, makeup your mind person do you want to stop or not? There is a show this weekend, so I know she'll be riding every day and making me repeat the same boring stuff over and over. Oh well, I need to work on my show manners, and practice screwing up only when the judge is looking. I'm sure I can find something new to spook at if I look hard enough. More later.

Monday, January 30, 2006

The human brought her herd mate out today. Pity they don’t practice culling on themselves. Got saddled up for the mandatory “ Honey I want to share your interests ride” What an oaf. I thought my girth was going to cut me in two when he pulled himself up. He’s lucky I’m a well-mannered individual, anyone else would have dumped him. Walked around on the leadline like the world's largest shetland pony and tolerated his wobbling back and forth. Thank goodness he never pulled the reins in order to stay upright, my jaw would have broken. My human was nice and petted me while walking next to me, I think she was grateful that I behaved well. Received a lot of sympathetic looks from the new filly two stalls down so it was worth it. There could be a good mutual groom session in my future, Wink! Wink! More later.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

At the barn today

The disgusting cat-beast was in my feeder again. Worse he was CLEANING himself with his tongue, (how barbaric!), will they ever evolve enough to allow humans to do such menial labor for them? I think not. Yesterday he was eating a rodent and was rude enough to drag it through my hay. I was beyond grossed out. He thinks he's so smart because he can jump in and out of my stall while I remain penned up. One day he's going to be imprinted with my hoof on his smirking face. Even worse my human seems to adore the little monster and pets him every time she visits. Then she touches me without washing her hands! It's enough to make a good horse whicker in shame. The flightless bird things, I think they're called Chickians, are almost, but not quite as bad as the cat-beast about getting in my feeder. They do have the redeeming quality of disliking the cat-beast as much as I do and frequently chase him out of the barn. More later

Friday, January 27, 2006

I have spent the day in the pasture watching the humans from afar. They insist on covering themselves no matter what weather and right now look like big bulky broodmares. The weather is cold, so this added bulk must be for warmth. They also cut their manes in bizarre and sometimes downright ugly patterns. I have seen no evidence of tails and pity their inability to swat flies. My human has engaged in grooming behavior but will not allow me to reciprocate. How does she get her withers scratched if she won't let someone nibble her back? Some of their ideas about adornment are strange. I dread the thought of having the metal pins ( some of them sport 6 or 7 at a time) put through my ears and wonder if perhaps it is limited to their culture and not inflicted on visitors. More later.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The first few days

My humans have shown limited cognizant abilities. Earpinning results in backing away, foot shifting can clear the aisle. I have taught them to go back to the barn and get food by walking away when they approach me while carrying a rope or halter.
They seem to have no interest in my oats, but will eat the carrots which are supposed to be my treat, sometimes biting from them first before offering them to me, which grosses me out.
I have touched noses with a few of my stablemates and feel they are suitably impressed with my snorting and pawing ability.
Tomorrow the farrier is due so I must rest for my morning of shifting my weight and tugging my hoof out of his paws. More later

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Horse Diary

I have recently left the home I have known all my life and now embark on the adventure of owning my own human. I was fortunate to find a nice female with a great deal of training and a pleasant appearance. She is tall and I believe about 35 in human years, but I haven’t looked in her mouth to be sure. My new human and I have set up barn keeping at a rather large stable. There are various disciplines taught here and quite a variety of horses and their humans. I will miss my old humans, but as they say, it was time for me to leave the stall and seek greener pastures. I will record my experiences for future reference. More later.